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Plum Hawkins

Plum Hawkins

I'm a star columnist for Hullo! Magazine, The Daily Brute , and anything owned by Rupert Murdoch. An enquiring nation wants to know!
  • Fleet Street, London, UK
  • member since March 31 2008

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Plum Hawkins’s last login was Tuesday, May 5 2009.

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Public Notes

  • Simon m

    Simon m says

    Hello indeed! Forgive me for being so forward, but I'm Mortmere, young Tinky's discovery over on AA. I must say, you look mouth-watering - fancy a bunk-up? I'm free most afternoons...

    posted 1 year ago. ( send a note )
  • Tanks

    Tanks says

    My dear, I am flattered by your desire to interview me, and sorely tempted. However, after that appalling incident last year in New Zealand, my solicitors have advised me to remain mum where the press is concerned. You will understand, I am sure.

    Siincerely,

    Lady Druscilla Esmeralda de Tanquery

    cc: Messr's Falstaff and Swill, Solicitors, 3 Leatherstocking Lane, London SE45 3XU

    posted 1 year ago. ( send a note )
  • Alicia

    Alicia says

    Dear Ms. Hawkins,

    Thank you for the interest you have expressed in interviewing me. I must confess surprise at such a request and wonder why my new attire has attracted such curiosity. However, I must decline due to pressing responsibilities that do not allow me much time for such frivolity. Thank you anyway.

    Sincerely,
    Lady Heath

    posted 1 year ago. ( send a note )
  • Dame Maggie Salisbury

    Dame Maggie Salisbury says

    Oh, yes--imagine forgetting to mention that. M. of M. was indeed worshipped as a god, and the Tonganese mistakenly believed he had brought me as a human sacrifice of his own divine bloodline. Other eyewitnesses may report that Tinky was simply snoozing against a palm tree, but it was in fact their sacred palm tree, unbeknownst to us, and they thought, given the gold lame waistcoat, that he was the Tonganese Deity of Perspiring Blissful Rest.

    posted 1 year ago. ( send a note )
  • Dame Maggie Salisbury

    Dame Maggie Salisbury says

    I can confirm that a misunderstanding of that nature occurred--a culture clash if you will--but the marquess handled it with his usual diplomatic savoir-faire. At no time was I in any real danger. As for the "Hello" spread, perhaps later. I'm simply swamped at the mo.

    posted 1 year ago. ( send a note )
  • Dame Maggie Salisbury

    Dame Maggie Salisbury says

    (via mobile, en route to Tonga) My apologies, but Sir Tinky and I are even now winging our way to a remote archipelago on official state business and I am unsure when Her Majesty will allow us to return.

    Ta,

    Dame Maggie Salisbury

    posted 1 year ago. ( send a note )
  • Frabjous Day

    Frabjous Day says

    Doubtless you know of the Right Reverend Isiah Sturgeon? And of his unparalleled religious and spiritual influence over Tinky's aunt Aruba, or whatever she's named? The man is a fanatic, and most unfortunately the Marchioness of Dureth has been filled with the scourging fever of the man's missionary zeal. I wonder if perhaps he has her drugged to keep it up. But that is beside the point.
    Think, now, Plum. A radical reformer like the Reverend Sturgeon has no use for undemonstrative conversions. The rebels and the heathens must be stamped quite out before he'll be content. What were Tom and Katy, again? Seismologists? Sedimentologists? Whatever they were, it rubbed old Isaiah, and by inference the Marchioness, raw.
    Now, if the Reverend gave the battle cry, who was to stop the Marchioness from acting?
    I do hear some meaty stories, don't I Plum? Heeves was the source of this one. The man talks most dreadfully in his cups.

    posted 1 year ago. ( send a note )
  • Frabjous Day

    Frabjous Day says

    Think, Plum dear, think. Our Maggie is a wonderful creature, but so suggestible -- and so much under Tinky's sway. Now, if Maggie would say almost anything to protect Tinky, and Tinky isn't the culprit (Really, now, what does Tinky know about explosives?) then of course Tinky is shielding someone in turn? Now of course it could be any of us he's screening (not I, or obviously I wouldn't be telling you so) but family always counts for something, yes? Now there were a maiden and a divorced aunt at that party; a puritan and a libertine; a bad aunt and a good aunt. Which one of them could it have been?

    posted 1 year ago. ( send a note )
  • Frabjous Day

    Frabjous Day says

    Suicide pact? Oh, I had that from Mrs.Danvers; something about Tom wanting to sacrifice his soul to the tectonic spirit Deus seisomologii and needing a partner (who'd remain silent while in the process of dying) and an earth-shaking event to complete the rite. But perhaps she was lying to shield someone (herself?).
    I also did hear a whisper that Katy discovered several philanderings of Tom's: I believe a significant fling was with that valet of Tinky's, but there were others -- oh, so many others! -- and that, lapsing into a deranged fury, she arranged for a bomb to go off and kill the two of them (perhaps life was not worth living any more for her?).
    Just a whisper, you know. I hear so many of them: people take that old saw about words to the wise very seriously.
    And while we're at it, I have my suspicions about that ill-bred Baroness with the pretentious surname. She was not in the bathroom having a nervous fit when the bomb went off: possibly she ran in and staged one when the police turned up, but not before.

    posted 1 year ago. ( send a note )
  • Frabjous Day

    Frabjous Day says

    As for TomKat, there was a suggestion of suicide pact, you know. If there's anything in it then like as not Tom forced that poor retarded wife of his into the whole thing.
    Then again, my own conviction is that it's that Hungarian of dubious credentials. He let slip some boast of diplomatic immunity.

    posted 1 year ago. ( send a note )
  • JudithAnn

    JudithAnn says

    Well, Plum, this is my experience of it all: there were lots of lovely men, and I was dancing with some of them! Then it was all spoiled by a BOOM upstairs. And Tinky, Tom, Katie and the butler (and some other less important people) had all disappeared. And everyone was looking for them. That left me, Penny and Amanda with all those men, dancing the night away.

    What else do you want to know, darling? Be specific!

    posted 1 year ago. ( send a note )
  • Frabjous Day

    Frabjous Day says

    Ah. Well doubtless you know as much as we do about that spine-tingling explosion and all that. I'm as much in the dark as the next person about that affair. There is some other dish, though. For instance, I have a strong suspicion that the Istvan Schoenstein who arrived was an impersonator: the cove didn't so much as open his mouth the whole time. Must be English, and afraid of being caught out by his accent. And there was the Viscount's aunt Lady Hecuba Villiers-Stoat, March Hare of Dureth or something such, who actually pushed the Duke of Arntor's wheelchair (with him in it) down a hill, and was heard to propose that we leave him in the shrubbery until it grew over him. She also attempted to dislocate Miss Daisy Barksby-Price's ankle with the flimsy excuse that she was "giving her a massage". The Duchess of Arntor herself was overheard describing, with a certain measure of pride, her successful efforts to subvert traffic laws, at one point letting slip that her siren allows her to take precedence over fire engines at red lights. Meanwhile, a psychosexual assault was launched upon the hapless Prince Charles and his wife. The Prince was tempted by talk of Lady Dido Courtland, Camilla by talk of horses, and both by talk of monkey glands. Or monkeys. The Duchess of Cornwall was further seen to "cut" Gertrude, Baroness Schleswig-Holstein-Sonderburg-Glücksburg and to refer to her as "that bulimic tart" when in conversation with her husband. The honourable Lady Ogilvy-Milner allowed the ceremonies to begin auspiciously by holding a loud conversation with her housemaid, to chastise her insufficient scrubbing of her bathroom floors, on her mobile phone. And -- but I suppose I'll tell you of the after party presently.

    posted 1 year ago. ( send a note )
  • Frabjous Day

    Frabjous Day says

    Well then, how discreet shall I be? A simple note on your page might be imprudent, yes?

    posted 1 year ago. ( send a note )
  • JudithAnn

    JudithAnn says

    Plum, you missed something! They were all there, all those lovely men!

    posted 1 year ago. ( send a note )
  • Frabjous Day

    Frabjous Day says

    Plum dear, I'm not reneging on my assurances but this jetlag means I'm currently set to 2.45 am. I could stay awake, but I'd have the most fearful headache tomorrow.
    Lots of dish tomorrow morning, then, alright?

    posted 1 year ago. ( send a note )
  • Parkles

    Parkles says

    Dear Miss Hawkins,
    I greatly esteem your friendship (despite your vile trade) and hope to have many pleasant evenings over tea with you; but unfortunately it is impossible for me to betray my station in Manleigh Hall by sating the press’s most unnatural appetite for gossip and slander. It would be below me to disclose any information relating to the Investiture. If you were so unfortunate as to not receive an invitation I must advise (as a dear friend) you to give up your poor unfortunate position as a woman of scandalous trade and find yourself a decent husband, dear girl. You would be sure to be received then.
    Come by for tea later this week and you can be assured that I will avail you of my most benign and matronly advise.
    Sincerely,
    Miss Kenton

    posted 1 year ago. ( send a note )
  • Jessica

    Jessica says

    Of course of course. Darling, don't take offense, but it's not very U to be seen conversing with the press.

    posted 1 year ago. ( send a note )
  • Jessica

    Jessica says

    Darling, I'll do my best. However, I know Americans have some press and source confidentiality thing.. are you willing to do the same? Never reveal your sources??

    posted 1 year ago. ( send a note )
  • JudithAnn

    JudithAnn says

    Dear Plum, so glad to be your friend, as long as Plum keeps Mum about Tessa's secret encounters! Promise? Oops! What did I say? Forget it, darling!

    I'll try and dish the dirt on our Special Event, if I'm still awake by that time. Would you like me to hover near our AA nobility or the music & film celebrities? I much prefer the former myself.

    posted 1 year ago. ( send a note )
  • Miriam Q

    Miriam Q says

    Well, I'll do what I can. I may be late (more than fashionably, I'm afraid), and I still have no idea what I'll wear!
    And please do call me Penny.

    posted 1 year ago. ( send a note )


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