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Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea
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Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea (2008) (edit title/settings)

by Chelsea Handler (Author) (edit contributors)

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The eagerly awaited collection of personal essays from the bestselling author of "My Horizontal Life". "Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea" showcases the candor and irresistible turns of phrase that have made her one of the freshest voices in comedy today.

Summary edit see section history

When Chelsea Handler needs to get a few things off her chest, she appeals to a higher power -- vodka. You would too if you found out that your boyfriend was having an affair with a Peekapoo or if you had to pretend to be honeymooning with your father in order to upgrade to first class. Welcome... read more (warning: may contain spoilers)

When Chelsea Handler needs to get a few things off her chest, she appeals to a higher power -- vodka. You would too if you found out that your boyfriend was having an affair with a Peekapoo or if you had to pretend to be honeymooning with your father in order to upgrade to first class. Welcome to Chelsea's world -- a place where absurdity reigns supreme and a quick wit is the best line of defense. In this hilarious, deliciously skewed collection, Chelsea mines her past for stories about her family, relationships, and career that are at once singular and ridiculous. Whether she's convincing her third-grade class that she has been tapped to play Goldie Hawn's daughter in the sequel to Private Benjamin, deciding to be more egalitarian by dating a redhead, or looking out for a foulmouthed, rum-swilling little person who looks just like her...only smaller, Chelsea has a knack for getting herself into the most outrageous situations.

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Quotes edit see section history

  • “Hadn't he ever seen a Woody Allen movie and realized how to play it cool?”
  • “Are you there vodka? It's me, Chelsea. Please get me out of jail and I promise I will never drink again. Drink and drive. I will never drink and drive again. I may even start my own group fashioned after MADD, Mothers Against Drunk Driving, but I'll call it AWLTDASH, Alcoholics Who Like to Drink and Stay Home.”
  • “I woke up the next morning and stared at my ceiling, wondering why Excedrin couldn't just walk out of my bathroom cabinet, hop onto my bed, and triple-axle its way into my mouth. Then my thoughts turned to Big Red... I was very much looking forward to my date with Big Red, but also scared that when I saw him sober I might not be attracted to him. Obviously I would need to drink heavily before my pickup time.”
  • “Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with some one long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.”
  • “My father has a high opinion of his opinion.”
  • “I wanted my father to know that child abuse was embarrassing your daughter on a regular basis with no clue at all as to the repercussions.”
  • Popular Highlights from Kindle Customers
  • It’s been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be.
    Highlighted by 311 Kindle customers
  • This woman/ killer was a testament to my theory that the crazier you are, the more calories you burn. That’s why psychos are always so skinny.
    Highlighted by 284 Kindle customers
  • While I had heard a lot about the size and shape of the penis, no one had ever mentioned that there were going to be balls attached to it. Not to mention that there would be two of them, that they would be covered in hair, and that later in life, they would most likely end up smacking you in the face.
    Highlighted by 210 Kindle customers
  • I looked up at the ceiling. “Are you there, vodka? It’s me, Chelsea. Please get me out of jail and I promise I will never drink again. Drink and drive. I will never drink and drive again. I may even start my own group fashioned after MADD, Mothers Against Drunk Driving, but I’ll call it AWLTDASH, Alcoholics Who Like to Drink and Stay Home.”
    Highlighted by 175 Kindle customers
  • Along with the 97 percent of women who can see, I have never been a fan of redheaded men.
    Highlighted by 161 Kindle customers
  • I woke up the next morning and stared at my ceiling, wondering why Excedrin couldn’t just walk out of my bathroom cabinet, hop onto my bed, and triple-axle its way into my mouth.
    Highlighted by 152 Kindle customers
  • At first I thought he was just pissed about his mohawk, but then I realized he’s probably furious. Maddox must have thought he hit the jackpot when some A-list celebrity rescued him from third-world Cambodia, only to discover that she was going to shuffle him back and forth to every other third-world country in the universe. He’s probably like, “When the fuck are we gonna get to Malibu, bitch?”
    Highlighted by 131 Kindle customers
  • My feeling is, if a dog is that hard up to break free, let it go. It’s like a boyfriend who wants to break up. We all know the old adage, “If you set someone free, and he never comes back, then he was never yours.” I understand the main fear with setting dogs loose is that they could get hit by a car, but so could an ex-boyfriend. That’s just a chance you have to take.
    Highlighted by 45 Kindle customers
  • gbehh.com. This one had a bunny rabbit holding a piece of paper that read, “You’re a fag!”
    Highlighted by 42 Kindle customers
  • alacrity my body hadn’t seen since a tetherball class I had taken in the fall of ’94.
    Highlighted by 20 Kindle customers
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First Sentence edit see section history

I was nine years old and walking myself to school one morning when I heard the unfamiliar sound of a prepubescent boy calling my name.

Table of Contents edit see section history

Chapter One: Blacklisted
Chapter Two: Chelsea in Charge
Chapter Three: Prison Break
Chapter Four: Bladder Stones
Chapter Five: Big Red
Chapter Six: Dining in the Dark
Chapter Seven: Dim Sum and Then Some
Chapter Eight: Barking up the Wrong Tree
Chapter Nine: Re-Gift
Chapter Ten: Jumped
Chapter Eleven: Mini-Me
Chapter Twelve: Costa Rica

Authors & Contributors edit see section history

  1. Chelsea Handler (Author)

First Edition edit see section history

Original Language: English
Publisher: Simon Spotlight Entertainment
Country: USA
Publication Date: 2008
ISBN: 1416954120
Page Count: 264

Classification edit see section history

  • Library of Congress: HQ801 .H3193
  • Dewey: 306.7092

Links to Supplemental Material edit see section history

More Books Like This edit see section history

   
  • I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell
  • Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang
  • My Horizontal Life
  • Bitter Is the New Black
  • It's Not Me, It's You
  • Sweet Little Lies
  • Official Book Club Selection
  • I Love Everybody (and Other Atrocious Lies)
  • My Booky Wook
  • sTORI Telling

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