'STAY BACK, HUMAN. YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU ARE DEALING WITH.'
Twelve-year-old Artemis Fowl is a brilliant criminal mastermind. But even Artemis doesn't know what he's taken on when he kidnaps a fairy, Captain Holly Short of the LEPrecon Unit. These aren't the faeries of bedtime stories... read more
Artemis Fowl II, the titular character, is the twelve-year-old son of an Irish crime lord, Artemis Fowl I. After significant research, Artemis believes that he has confirmed the existence of fairies and decides to kidnap one. He tracks down an alcoholic sprite posing as a healer in Ho Chi Minh... read more (warning: may contain spoilers)
Artemis Fowl II, the titular character, is the twelve-year-old son of an Irish crime lord, Artemis Fowl I. After significant research, Artemis believes that he has confirmed the existence of fairies and decides to kidnap one. He tracks down an alcoholic sprite posing as a healer in Ho Chi Minh City, Vietnam, and travels there with his loyal friend and bodyguard Butler to obtain from her the The Book of the People—the Fairy holy book that is written in Gnommish.
Meanwhile, Captain Holly Short of the Lower Elements Police is tracking a rogue troll that has managed to reach the surface of the Earth from the fairy city, deep underground. Assisted by a technically minded centaur called Foaly and LEPrecon commander Julius Root, she incapacitates the troll. However, this uses the last of her magic, and Commander Root demands that she complete the magic restoring ritual.
Artemis decodes the Book using computerized translating software, and in the process, learns the specifics of the ritual: taking an acorn from an ancient oak tree near a bend in a river under the full moon and planting it elsewhere. Artemis and Butler track down over 100 possible locations for the ritual and start a stakeout; after nearly four months, they discover Holly performing the ritual. She attempts to use the magical mind-controlling mesmer to defend herself, but Artemis is prepared for this, and Butler tranquillises Holly with a hypodermic syringe. The LEP, who are immediately aware of her disappearance, send Julius Root to search for her. He traces her tracker to an abandoned whaling ship off the coast of Dublin, Ireland. Through an audio/visual communicator, Artemis informs Root from Fowl Manor that he is holding Holly for ransom, then destroys the whaling ship remotely by detonating a large amount of Semtex.
A LEPretrieval team is sent to scout Fowl Manor. Using their magical 'shielding' ability, which allows them to vibrate faster than the human eye can follow, the team enters the manor grounds. Artemis anticipated this also, however, and installed a camera with a high frames-per-second rate, allowing him to detect the threat by freezing the image. After Butler incapacitates the intruders, Root decides to lay siege to Fowl Manor using a time-stop and enter negotiations. The ransom demand is revealed as one metric ton of 24-carat gold. Artemis uses the opportunity to reveal his knowledge of the time-stop and claims that he can escape it.
The attempts to gain entry to the manor continue as an infamous criminal, the kleptomaniac dwarf Mulch Diggums, is recruited to break in. Fairies are forbidden from entering human dwellings without permission, but Mulch has already broken this rule and is immune to the adverse consequences. He tunnels underground to reach the house while Foaly feeds a loop to the manor surveillance system, allowing Mulch to freely explore. Mulch locates a safe containing a copy of the Book, finally revealing to the fairies the source of Artemis' knowledge. The Fairy Council, deciding that nothing is working, promote a lieutenant called Briar Cudgeon to Acting Commander, temporarily usurping Julius Root. He sends in a troll in an attempt to elicit a cry for help, which counts as an invitation for fairies to enter. Meanwhile, recalling that she dropped the acorn from the ritual into her boot, Holly Short cracks through the concrete of her cell using her bed and completes the ritual. Having regained her magic, she escapes into the main house.
Butler, aided by the healing powers of Holly, defeats the troll, and Artemis is finally granted the ransom. The gold is sent in, and Artemis asks Holly for a wish: he wants to cure his mother's insanity - she has been living in her bedroom, driven mad by the loss of her husband. Holly grants the wish at the cost of half the gold. The LEP decides to send in a 'blue rinse' - a biological bomb that kills all organic life - to eliminate Artemis and allow for the retrieval of the gold, but this fails when Artemis escapes the time-stop by drugging himself and his comrades with sleeping pills.
When Butler wakes, Artemis explains that by changing one's state of wakefulness in a time-stop, one can escape it, as it is only one's state of consciousness that keeps one trapped by the time-stop. Artemis then discovers that his mother has fully recovered from her insanity thanks to Holly's magic.
“Knock yourself out - or rather, don't.”Artemis Fowl
“Let us proceed under the assumption that the fairy folk do exist, and that I am not a gibbering moron.”Artemis Fowl
“You had to be careful with elfin ears--a few hours in the helmet and they started to flake. <Holly> gave the tips a massage. No dry skin there. That was because she had a daily moisturizing regime, not like some of the male LEP officers. When they took off their helmets, you'd swear it had just started to snow.”
“For a job like this, we need our very best. And that's me.”Commander Root
“'I said impressive. No need to get a swollen head.' The commander heard the sound of a roomful of laughter, and realized that Foaly had him on the speakers.”Commander Julius Root
“I hacked into Interpol. Not too difficult, I can tell you. They might as well have put out a welcome mat.”Foaly
“And if history had taught any lessons it was that humans couldn't get along with anyone, even themselves.”
“'If I didn't know you better, I'd say there was some human blood in you.' 'There's no call for that. I'm only doing my job.' 'Point taken. I'm sorry.' You didn't often hear Root apologizing, but then it had been a deeply offensive insult.”Commander Root, Commander Cudgeon
“'One, okay.' 'Two, fine.' 'Three. bored but alive.'”
“Shut up, Julius! I mean, quiet a moment, Commander.”Mulch Diggums
“He'd made a joke. Now there's something that didn't happen everyday.”
“'No need to shout, Commander. These headsets could pick up a spider scratching in Madagascar!' 'And is there a spider scratching in Madagascar?' 'Well... I don't know. They can't really-' 'Well stop changing the subject, Foaly, and answer the question!'”Foaly and Commander Root
“Wasn't it just typical of the Dwarf Brotherhood? What do dwarfs hate? Fire. Who are the only creatures with the ability to conjure fireballs? Goblins. So who did the dwarfs pick a fight with? A real no brainer.”Mulch Diggums
“I don't like lollipops.”Artemis Fowl II
“No. Butler could kill you a hundred different ways without the use of his armory. Though I'm sure one would be quite sufficient.”Artemis Fowl II
“Don't worry, chief. It's like riding a unicorn. You never forget.'”Foaly
“Now before we get into anything, ladies, no scratching, no spitting and no tattling to mummy.”Butler
“Fly, little fairy. And tell your friends Artemis Fowl the Second says hello.”Artemis Fowl II
“'Oh, and Butler.I prefer scared to dead. If possible.'”Artemis Fowl II
“I don't know what dreamworld you live in, convict, but in the real world you are a criminal and it is my job to ensure your life is as unpleasant as possible. So if you're expecting civility just because I've testified against you some fifteen times, forget it!”Commander Root
“Stay back, human. You don't know what you're dealing with.”Holly Short
“Confidence is ignorance. If you're feeling cocky, it's because there's something you don't know.”
“I don't know why it is Captain Short, but whenever you start agreeing with me, I get decidedly nervous.”Commander Julius Root
“Holmes, Moriarty, they both look the same with the flesh scorched off their skulls.”Commander Julius Root
“Forgive me for not swelling with confidence. I find that I've always done better on my own.”Mulch Diggums
“If I win, I'm a prodigy. If I lose, then I'm mad. That's the way history is written.”Artemis Fowl II
“Know thine enemy.”Artemis Fowl's motto
“Confidence is ignorance. If you're feeling cocky, it's because there's something you don't know.”Foaly
“Science was taking the magic out of everything.”
“That's the thing about politics, you get one shot.”Foaly
“Passion is the enemy of efficiency.”Butler
Followed by The Arctic Incident.
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