The hilarious new book from the star of Chelsea Lately and the #1 New York Times bestselling author of Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea . Get ready for big laughs as Chelsea Handler lets loose with more comic personal essays. In this new, no-holds-barred account of life on the...
It’s true what they say about patience being a virtue; it just happens to be a virtue that I choose not to pursue.
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“Life is like a box of chocolates,” she told me. “Eat too many and you’ll end up with your father’s tits.”
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Chelsea is about two Saturday nights away from being Anna Nicole Smith.”
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My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.
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When it comes to math or electronics, I am somewhat more advanced than a six-year-old who’s been homeschooled by Levi Johnston.
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I would rather sit next to a transgender person and discuss why every single one I’ve met smells like a bar in the daytime than listen to people tell me why I want to have children and that I just don’t know it yet. I do know, because I’m me and my feelings are the ones in my head. I don’t want to have kids, and it’s not a device to get attention or have conversations about it. I simply find children incredibly immature and, more often than not, dumb.
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“It doesn’t matter if it’s an outdoor cat. It will still take a shadoobie in the backyard and walk right back in the house all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, like, ‘Hey, what’d I miss?’ I’ll tell you what you missed, you cat, you missed wiping your ass!”
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“Why can’t we just get a baby dolphin and I’ll smoke a bunch of pot around it so it doesn’t grow?”
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“There’s a reason you never see anyone’s house with a Beware of Cat sign. Because they’re not even worth mentioning.”
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I’ve found that many of the people who have a passion for karaoke too often have misplaced confidence, which can become aggressive and at times border on sadistic. I know my limits, and karaoke is where I draw the line. I wouldn’t put anyone through the hell of listening to me sing a song, and I sure as shit wouldn’t wait in line to do it.
1. The Feeling 2. When Life Hands You Lemons, Squeeze Them into Your Vodka 3. Grey Gardens 4. Dudley 5. Wedding Chopper 6. Water Olympics 7. Black-on-Black Crime 8. Dear Asshole 9. The Suspect 10. Chunk 11. Deep Thoughts by Chelsea Handy
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