“This book is helping me to understand marital failures and family members who are controlling people. It is helping me to understand the thought process of those who are controlling people. Begun mid-April 2011.
April 10, 2011 from: Controlling People by Patricia Evans
"Having learned to deny their own wisdom and having taken in other people's definitions of them, without even realizing it, those who are dosconnected from themselves construct an identity not gounded in experience but constructed out of, or in reaction to, other people's ideas, expectations, and values.
Their opinions, fear, beliefs, likes, and dislikes, rather than being experientially based - the result of a slow maturation process that develops through life experience - are acquired from others, often according to, or in opposition to, parental and cultural dictates. The outcome is an identity built backwards."
"Pretenders don't anchor their Pretend Persons in their mates unless they believe that the body they are anchoring in is not likely to leave them. This is the security they are looking for and, although anchoring a Pretend Person in a real person is an unconscious process on the part of the Pretender, it is often easy to pinpoint the event that triggers it."
"Just as if it were a human power, a psychic skill honed with exercise, some people pretend they can cross your psychic boundary, look around, step out, and tell you what they've found there, 'The trouble with you is _______,' despite that fact that this is impossible."
"When people are defined by someone with whom they are trying to relate, they feel psychically raped. In relationships we are vulnerable and open and therefore such assualts are quite devasting.
This is very different from an intuitive or sensitive person 'reading' you by invitation. Your belief or disbelief in such a reading is your own business.
In everyday life, people who present reality backwards commonly mix up physical reality. For example, when someone says 'You made me _____,' they are not only absolving themselves of all responsibility but also acting as if another party (you) were inside them and caused their behavior - as if this were within the natural order of things, founded in the reality of physical existence.
Although no one can actually be within another person and make them do what they do, or say what they say, some people pretend they can.
Similarly, a person who bullies another person may claim in a backwards way, 'It takes two,' as if the 'victim' had bullied the perpetrator."
“Nothing earth shattering, but organized in a very accessible way. I've heard many of the ideas here before, but the terminology and examples that are used really make the material easy to understand and internalize. Did you know that the more you try and control a person or situation, the more likely it is that you are going to get the exact OPPOSITE of what you are trying to force? wow. Once again I find myself as a sterling example of the exact thing I'm disgusted and horrified by... yes, I'm a controlling person. :/ BUT, I honestly think that by recognizing this, I can work at becoming less controlling and allowng myself to have more authentic relationships with authentic people, instead of forcing everyone into my constructs.”E! wrote this review Wednesday, June 9, 2010. ( reply | permalink ) Was this review helpful? Yes | No