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My Horizontal Life
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Read My Horizontal Life

My Horizontal Life (2005) (edit title/settings)

A Collection of One-Night Stands

by Chelsea Handler (Author) (edit contributors)

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Description edit see section history

In this raucous collection of true-life stories, actress and comedian Chelsea Handler recounts her time spent in the social trenches with that wild, strange, irresistible, and often gratifying beast: the one-night stand. You've either done it or know someone who has: the one-night stand, the... read more

Summary edit see section history

My Horizontal Life chronicles her romp through the different bedrooms of a variety of suitors, a no-holds-barred account of what can happen between a man and a sometimes very intoxicated, outgoing woman during one night of passion. From her short fling with a Vegas stripper to her even shorter... read more (warning: may contain spoilers)

My Horizontal Life chronicles her romp through the different bedrooms of a variety of suitors, a no-holds-barred account of what can happen between a man and a sometimes very intoxicated, outgoing woman during one night of passion. From her short fling with a Vegas stripper to her even shorter dalliance with a well-endowed little person, from her uncomfortable tryst with a cruise ship performer to her misguided rebound with a man who likes to play leather dress-up, Chelsea recalls the highs and lows of her one-night stands with hilarious honesty. Encouraged by her motley collection of friends (aka: her partners in crime) but challenged by her family members (who at times find themselves a surprise part of the encounter), Chelsea hits bottom and bounces back, unafraid to share the gritty details. My Horizontal Life is one guilty pleasure you won't be ashamed to talk about in the morning.

People edit see section history

  • Chelsea: The author of this book, a comedian. This is about her life--her relationships, to be more precise.
  • Shoniqua: Chelsea's partner in crime.
  • Lydia: Chelsea's Mexican girl friend.
  • Nathan: Chelsea's annoying gay friend.
  • Sloane: Chelseas older sister.
  • Dr. Luke: Dr.Wheelers partner.
  • Holden: Lived near Lydia, and Chelsea used to park her vehicle in his garage.
  • Greg: Chelsea's brother.
  • Lupe: A South American on his first visit to the States.
  • Carter: A guy that Chelsea is set up with after a location shoot for the show she is working on. He does coke, but was cute.
  • Jerome: The black friend that Chelsea met in the chat room of chocolatesingles.
  • Ross: The name of the three guys Chelsea met with Jen--they were all named Ross.
  • Rory: Chelsea's best friend from high school.
  • Gavin: The guy with a flat ass and one of Chelsea's boyfriends.
  • Whitefoot: Handler family dog.
  • Jen: Chelsea's girlfriend and Ivory's roommate.
  • Mike: The name given to one of Chelsea's boyfriends whose name she now fails to recollect.
  • Val: Chelsea's friend.
  • Melvin: Chelsea's father.
  • Tyrone: A black man, who sat next to Chelsea at the Russian class, and the first black person she had sex with.
  • Les: A 19 year old guy she meets on a cruise ship whose name sounded like a child molesters
  • Ivory: Chelsea's Cuban friend from high school. They move to LA together.
  • Glen: Add a description of this character.
  • Ed
  • Beulah
  • Sarah
  • Dumb Dumb: Chelsea's roommate. Annoying... and dumb!
  • Gary
  • George W. Bush
  • Mr. Jorge Menendez
  • Jackson
  • Larry William
  • Matthew
  • Jeff
  • Lori
  • Dr. Wheeler
  • Marty
  • David Stevenson
  • Eric
Show all 39 characters
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Quotes edit see section history

  • “There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people who collect stickers.”
  • “At some point during almost every romantic comedy, the female lead suddenly trips and falls, stumbling helplessly over something ridiculous like a leaf, and then some Matthew McConaughey type either whips around the corner just in the nick of time to save her or is clumsily pulled down along with her. That event predictably leads to the magical moment of their first kiss. Please. I fall ALL the time. You know who comes and gets me? The bouncer.”
  • “I never say the things I really want to. If I did, I'd have no friends.”

First Sentence edit see section history

I WAS SEVEN years old when my sister told me she'd give me five dollars to run upstairs into my parents' room while they were having sex and take a picture.

Table of Contents edit see section history

Look Who's Having Sex with Mommy
The Beginning of the End
Dumb and Dumber
Guess Who's Leaving Through the Window?
My Little Nugget
Desperado
Skid Mark
Thunder
Shrinky Dink
Don't Believe a Word I Say
The Cookie Monster
Doctor, Doctor
Oh, Shut Up Already!
A Wedding Story
Overboard
Out of the Closet
Rerun
False Alarm
Acknowledgments

Themes & Symbolism edit see section history

Authors & Contributors edit see section history

  1. Chelsea Handler (Author)

First Edition edit see section history

Original Language: English
Publisher: Bloomsbury
Country: USA
Publication Date: 2005
ISBN: 978-1-58234-618-2
Page Count: 213

Classification edit see section history

  • Library of Congress: HQ801 .H3195 2005
  • Dewey: 306.7

Notes for Parents edit see section history

Reading Level: Adults

Sexually explicit content.

Links to Supplemental Material edit see section history

More Books Like This edit see section history

   
  • Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea
  • Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang
  • I Know I Am, But What Are You?
  • I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell

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