“Buck Tanner's FAQ Volumes One Through Ten...Freaking Hiliarous! I have never heard of these books. In this book, all of your burning questions on the following topics will be answered. Questions like Frequently Asked Questions About Vampire Sex, Frequently Asked Questions About the Extra Secret Service, Questions like Frequently Asked The Buddy Program, Frequently Asked Questions About Stonybridge Nudist Colony, Frequently Asked Questions About Time Traveling to Kill Hitler, Frequently Asked Questions About Your Russian Mail Order Bride, Frequently Asked Questions About Your Unicorn, Frequently Asked Questions About Your N2-Mat Sex Robot, and a few others.
I wanted to share with you some of the questions and answers you will find on these topics. Anyone who takes digs at Twilight and Edward gets a A in my book. While, I have seen all of the movies, Edward makes me want to take my own life. He is so ackward that when I watch him talk, I want to yell at him to spit it out already. I don't have all day, so get to the point. All of the topics were hiliarous. The questions and answers were classic. This book took me a while to finish. Not because it was bad but because there were times that I would re-read the answer to the question or I was reading the question and answer to my husband.
Warning: Do not drink anything while reading this book or you could end up sneezing liquids out of your nose from laughter. You have to do yourself a favor and pick up a copy of this book today!
Did you ever wonder about Vampire Sex. Come on, you know you have dreamed about banging Edward. So there is the age difference but technically, he is the cougar and you are the younger woman.
Congratulation on booking your Erotic Transylvania tour package!
Magnus, the vampire who works at the Teddy Bear Factory. Magnus does charity work as well at a children's hospital.
Will I meet Magnus in the hospital?
No. Your Eternal Love tour guides will attempt to snare Magnus in a shark net as he crosses the Strada Octavian Goga Bridge.
Why are we trying to capture Magnus in a shark net?
Despite what Hollywood tells you, vampires are skittish around female humans and are hesitant to start relationships. We have found it is best to "speed things along" with the net.
Can Magnus get me pregnant?
Despite what Stephanie Meyer may tell you, vampires cannot impregnate human women. The male reproductive organs require vigorous blood flow for optimal functioning, and your vampire's heart has not beaten in over five hundred years.
Eternal Love Tours can protect me, right?
Please consult the severed head on your mattress. While Eternal Love Tours prides itself on customer service, there are certain requests even we cannot fulfill. Nothing can stop a fully motivated vampire who has sworn eternal vengeance.
May god have mercy on all of our souls.
Can I hire a vampire hunter to kill Magnus?
Though popularized in movies such as “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” and “Blade,” vampire hunting does not exist as a profession. Some amateur vampire hunters have sprouted up over the years, though they are soon killed by vampires or quit for more legitimate employment.
Frequently Asked Questions About the Extra Secret Service
What will you tell my parents about my death?
The Secret Service will tell your parents that you died during a training exercise, though we will also actively circulate rumors that you choked to death during autoerotic asphyxiation.
Can I be given a more heroic death?
It is essential that your friends and family find your death to be highly embarrassing and shameful. Otherwise, your loved ones would begin asking the Secret Service some very difficult questions about your death. Nobody wants to talk about their beloved son or brother choking to death while masturbating.
The President has added me as a friend on Facebook. He lists “smoking fat blunts” and “poling sluts” as his hobbies. Should the President have a personal Facebook page?
The President's Facebook page is a tremendous security liability. Unfortunately, the President is a self–described “Facebook junkie.” No matter how many times we disable his Facebook accounts, he puts up another. Monitoring the President's internet activity will be one of your most important duties as an ESS agent.
The Buddy Program
I think I hate my Little Buddy. Is this normal? Have you considered talking about your feelings with a friend, or better yet, a trained psychologist? We know it will make you feel a lot better.
I waited for my Little Buddy outside of his school. I charged at him with a sharpened screwdriver, but he jump kicked me in the throat before I could stab him. How did he do that?
It appears the Tae Kwan Do lessons you paid for have saved your Little Buddy's life. See! You did make a difference!
Frequently Asked Questions About Stonybridge Nudist Colony
Will sunscreen be provided?
While many older members of the colony are philosophically opposed to sunscreen, for safety reasons, Stonybridge allows employees to wear sunscreen while working outdoors. Sunscreen containers are placed at the entrances of every building. Please remember to apply sunscreen at least twice a day. You will not be excused from your work rotation for any sunburn related injuries. If you are uncomfortable wearing sunscreen, please see Scooter for a waiver which indemnifies Stonybridge should you later develop skin cancer.
Frequently Asked Questions About Time Traveling to Kill Hitler, Frequently Asked Questions About Your Russian Mail Order Bride, Frequently Asked Questions About Your Unicorn, Frequently Asked Questions About Your N2-Mat Sex Robot
– I ordered the Marilyn Monroe model of the N2–MAT, this one looks identical to Meryl Streep. Can I swap them out?
We apologize for the mix up. The Marilyn N2–MAT has been discontinued due to an ongoing lawsuit brought by the Monroe family trust. We are confident we will prevail in the end, but until that time, we are shipping the Streep N2–MAT in its place.
DO NOT: Make any sudden movements. Look your N2–MAT in the eyes.