#1. All I want for my birthday is for you to know what I want for my birthday without me having to tell you.
#2. If I like him, he's probably gay.
#3. Who am I, and when did I gain a pound?
#4. You're my best friend and I love you to death, but fuck you. Just kidding, I love you. Just kidding, I hate you. Call me.
#5. My vagina is bullshit.
#6. My major in college was picking my major, with a minor in being really bored.
#7. I'm too pretty to be crying right now.
#8. My first trip to jail was not nearly as fun as I thought it would be. Supercute mug shot though.
#9. I hate my horse.
#10. Sorry for texting you ninety-three times last night.
#11. My grandmother is milking the shit out of this one.
waxedknows me better than I know myself.
#13. It's 5:15. How much weight can I lose by 8:00?
#14. I miss you, unless you miss me, in which case I'm over you and into being me.
#15. I'll eat anything, as long as it's gluten-free, dairy-free, low-carb, low-fat, low-calorie, sugar-free, and organic.
#16. He's not a doctor, a lawyer, or a prince.
#17. I need a therapist to talk about the problems I'm having with my therapist.
#18. My dad's girlfriends are the best. Without them I'd have no one to scream at and blame everything on.
#19. When you
always,"Get a job," I hear, "I hate you."
#20. Maybe people would take me seriously if I weren't so hot.
#21. Every job I've ever had is the worst job I've ever had.
#22. I'm never drinking again, except for the occasional glass of white wine, vodka sodas, on holidays, or my birthday month.
#23. I bottomed out at Barneys.
#24. I surrender, aka excerpts from my rehab diary.