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Let's Pretend This Never Happened
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Let's Pretend This Never Happened (2012) (edit title/settings)

A Mostly True Memoir

by Jenny Lawson (Author) (edit contributors)

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For fans of Tina Fey and David Sedaris-Internet star Jenny Lawson, aka The Bloggess, makes her literary debut. When Jenny Lawson was little, all she ever wanted was to fit in. That dream was cut short by her fantastically unbalanced father (a professional taxidermist who created... read more

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  • “"'You sure you want to marry a hemophiliac?' my dad had whispered to me while looking for something to use as a tourniquet. 'That's a hereditary trait, you know.' It was possible my father WAS trying to kill him."”
    Jenny
  • “...you should accept who you are, flaws and all, because if you try to be someone you aren't, eventually some turkey is going to shit all over your well-crafted façade, so you might as well save yourself the effort and enjoy your zombie books.”
    Jenny Lawson
  • “Dear Victor: I've poisoned something in the fridge. Good luck with that.Dear Victor: I'm sorry. I think I might have PMS. I don't know what's wrong with me. Dear Victor: That was an apology, you asshole! Now there are two things poisoned in the fridge. Because you don't know how to accept an apology!”
    Jenny Lawson

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First Sentence edit see section history

This book is totally true, except for the parts that aren't.

Table of Contents edit see section history

Introduction
I Was a Three-Year-Old Arsonist
My Childhood: David Copperfield Meets Guns & Ammo Magazine
Stanley, the Magical Talking Squirrel
Don't Tell Your Parents
Jenkins, You Motherfucker
If You Need an Arm Condom, It Might Be Time to Reevaluate Some of Your Life Choices
Draw Me a Fucking Dog
And That's Why Neil Patrick Harris Would Be the Most Successful Mass Murderer Ever
No One Ever Taught Me Couch Etiquette
Just Your Average Engagement Story
It Wasn't Stew
Married on the Fourth of July
There's No Place Like Home
A Series of Helpful Post-It Notes I Left Around the House for My Husband This Week
The Dark and Disturbing Secrets HR Doesn't Want You to Know
Iv You See My Liver, You've Gone Too Far
My Vagina is Fine. Thanks for Asking
Phone Conversations I Had with My Husband After I Got Lost for the Eighty Thousandth Time
And Then I Got Stabbed in the Face by a Serial Killer
Thanks for the Zombies, Jesus
Making Friends with Girls
I am the Wizard of Oz of Housewives (In That I Am Both "Great and Terrible" and Because I Sometimes Hide Behind Curtains
The Psychopath on the Other Side of the Bathroom Door
An Open Letter to My Husband, Who Is Asleep in the Next Room
Just to Clarify: We Don't Sleep with Goats
Stabbed by a Chicken
Honestly, I Don't Even Know Where I Got That Machete: A Comic Tragedy in Three Parts Days
I'm Going to Need an Old Priest and a Young Priest
And That's Why You Should Learn to Pick Your Battles
Hairless Rats: Free for Kids Only
And Then I Snuck a Dead Cuban Alligator on an Airplane
You Can't Go Home Again (Unless You Want to Get Mauled by Wild Dogs)
Epilogue
The End (Sort Of)
True Facts
Acknowledgements

Authors & Contributors edit see section history

  1. Jenny Lawson (Author)

First Edition edit see section history

Original Language: English
Publisher: Amy Einhorn Books/Putnam
Country: United States
Publication Date: April 17, 2012
ISBN: 0399159010
Page Count: 224

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Notes for Parents edit see section history

Reading Level: Adults

This book is liable to contain salty language and tongue-in-cheek references to sex, drugs, alcohol, death, and pretty much anything inappropriate you can think of. Visit the author's website (www.thebloggess.com) if you're considering purchasing this book for anyone under 18 (or over 50 if they have a bad heart).

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More Books Like This edit see section history

   
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  • Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me?
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