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“Review Courtesy of Dark Faerie Tales
Didn’t Like It
“I picked this book because I'm a big fan of authors Jasper Fforde and (at times) Christopher Moore. I include them in the same list because their books tend to have very irreverent attitudes, yet somehow manage to wallop you with actual plot and character developments at the end, and I'd hoped...”see full review » see other reviews »
“RJ is a fairy tale villain. Except the Union has cursed him for a screw up and now everything he does is not villainous at all. Oh, no. Everything he does, no matter how villainous he tries to be, turns out to be nice. It’s enough to make a bad villain cry.
RJ has been cursed for six days and it’s driving him crazy. He wants to get back to villainy, but the Union thinks he needs a little more time, maybe even a vacation. Then he comes home to find a pretty, sexy and ravenous woman in his favorite chair. She inhales his dinner and asks him to help her solve what she believes is the murder of her stepsister, Cindy. As in Cinderella. Yep. Cindy was pushed in front of a bus and Asia wants to know who did it. Because of the curse, RJ can’t say ‘No.’ and besides he’s hoping to score with the pretty, sexy woman, so off they go to the Kingdom of Maledetto to find themselves a murderer.
Amusing and irreverent this is not a story you want to read to the kiddies. No, no, no. This is for grown ups. The fun I had reading it is probably only slight compared to the fun I imagine was had in the writing of it. Perverting fairy tales. Why didn’t I think of that?! I look forward to reading Book 2!
*The publisher provided a copy of this book for me to review. Please see disclaimer page on my blog.”
“I picked this book because I'm a big fan of authors Jasper Fforde and (at times) Christopher Moore. I include them in the same list because their books tend to have very irreverent attitudes, yet somehow manage to wallop you with actual plot and character developments at the end, and I'd hoped that Kazimer might be a fledgling version of Fforde or Moore. Unfortunately...no, not really.
First, a good thing: the humor in this big is present in a big way. For the first third of the book, I found myself laughing out loud. Our protagonist, R.J., was once an evil villain, but has since been removed from the villainous union and is cursed to be nice until he can get his life back on track. Asia is his love interest, who, naturally, is the smoking-hot "ugly" step-sister of Cinderella.
Was her killer lurking somewhere? I smiled at the thought, remembering the joy of lurking. Ah, the good old villainous days.
The problem, though, is that the same old jokes keep getting repeated. R.J. is emasculated, Asia is kind of evil but R.J. thinks it's hot, Pamela Hans Christian Anderson, yadda yadda yadda. About halfway through, I stopped laughing out loud and started waiting for the plot to start up. And that's the thing about this book: unlike Fforde or even Moore, the humor is the main event. The plot's not going to keep you there, since it's basically a series of events tied very loosely together that don't always make sense. And the characters aren't enough to keep you invested, since they're all about as deep as a drinking fountain.
This is definitely not a book for people who are easily offended by cheap jokes or lazy writing, since it has both. I like to think I went into this book with a fairly open mind (after all, it's clearly labeled as F**ked Up Fairytales) but this book's portrayal of women set my teeth on edge a couple of times. The reader is constantly reminded that Asia is fat, but R.J. still finds her hot. How selfless of him. (At one point, we're told Asia weighs 150 lbs. Apparently, it's a miracle I'm able to get out of bed in the morning, since I think I weigh more than that.) Asia is probably the closest thing to a "positive" female role model the book has, but considering that she's constantly agonizing over her weight for the entire book, I'm using the term loosely.
Basically, to sum things up: this book can be good for a distraction, but not unlike the sun, if you look at it too long your head will explode. Or something.”
“Review Courtesy of Dark Faerie Tales
Quick & Dirty: A raunchy mix of childhood fairy tales with very adult language and content.
Opening Sentence: A delivery kid stood in front of me in the pastel hallway of my four-story walk-up on the edge of the Easter Village.
Finally, a book that lives up to its title. F***ed-up doesn’t even begin to adequately describe all of the high jinks in this book of fairy tale fallacies. It turns all the things we think we know about our beloved fairy tale characters and puts them on their heads. I don’t think that I have laughed this hard reading a book in a while.
RJ, and you can guess his real name, is in a funk. The Villain Union has put him on mandatory health leave and cursed him to do (shutter) only good things. What an outrage! So when the (not so) ugly step-sister of Cinderella, Asia, comes to him for help in solving her step-sister’s murder, he does. Damn union. This plunges him head first into a f***ed-up case full of curses, crisis’s, and catastrophes that make him want to cry wee wee wee all the way home.
RJ is a wonderfully devious character. He lies, cheats, and steals his way through life. So now that he is cursed to do… nice… things, what has he got to live for? One very sexy step-sister for starters. Asia is hot, and needs his help. Well, she needs the help of the famous Inspector Holmes of Fairy Yard; maybe she should have asked RJ for ID before making any assumptions about his identity. Normally, RJ would only “help” himself into her pants but this time he is compelled to follow her home to the Kingdom of Maldetto in search of Cinderella’s killer. Damn that union curse! RJ uses his knowledge of villainous tactics to piece together the clues that point him in the right direction. After falling hip-first in love with Princess Asia, RJ swears to help her with her curse as well. Will the man never learn to shut his mouth already? At this rate, all the other villains are going to call him names and then not let him play in any of their villain games. Maybe Asia can help him pass the time instead.
Princess Asia is, to coin the phrase from Shrek, like an onion; she has many layers and not all of them make her come up smelling like roses. Her curse makes her gain an unnatural amount of weight if she eats within the borders of her home kingdom. How can anyone love her when she has the potential to crush them under her massive girth? Is there no man out there that can see past all the bulbous fat to find the beauty hidden within? But perhaps the whole “damsel-in-distress” act that she gives RJ is not the real her either. Maybe she is not all sugar and spice and everything nice after all. Will RJ and Asia find their Happily Ever After when each one has something to hide?
Lots of other things happen while RJ is in the Kingdom of Maldetto. When several local villains turn up murdered, RJ becomes the authorities’ number one suspect. Not that he would be above such things normally, but it is not possible in his current impotent state. Yet, how can a known villain prove his innocence while still maintaining his evil status? And why is Prince Charming marrying one of the King’s daughters when it is clear to everyone else that he’s gay? How can RJ help out the other step-sister, Dru, find a prince of her own when she has clearly been beaten with the ugly stick? Most importantly to RJ; why is it that no villain has claimed the murder of Cinderella? Shouldn’t they be boasting about it? If a villain is not responsible, who had the motive to off the seemingly beloved Cinderella mere weeks before her wedding?
The whole book riffs off of countless fairy tales and nursery rhymes. I absolutely LOVE the uses and references of childhood stories that are turned into something completely inappropriate for my children to read. Hats off to Kazimer for making me see these beloved stories through the eyes of my not-so-pure adult mind. I can’t wait to see what the author comes up with next.
“My, what big feet you have.” Her eyebrows rose.
“Yeah. Ummm… look, kid,” I began and then took off running. I’d read the New Never News articles about a little red-hooded serial killer too many times to be her eighth victim.
I barreled my way through the forest, leaping over downed logs and ducking dive-bombing bluebirds. High-pitched, insane laughter followed me no matter how fast I ran.
“My, my, what big ears you have!”
I doubled my speed.
“My, my, what big eyes you have!”
Terror gave me added strength to run even faster.
“My, my, what short legs you have!”
I pulled to a stop. “Hey, my legs are not short. They’re average for a man of my size.”
“Average for a short man maybe.” The crazy red-hooded bitch laughed. An ax flew over my head, missing my scalp by inches. It planted itself in a tree. Another burst of laughter followed.
Fuck it. Now wasn’t the time to discuss the relativity of stature and the evils of the metric system. I took off running again, ducking and weaving through the Enchanted Forest like a big, not-so-nice wolf with a basket of freshly baked goodies on his way to visit his nana.
No matter how fast I ran, the red-hooded chick stayed right on my heels. I had to find a place to hide, somewhere that the crazy bitch would never find me. Ah, there, on the right. The pond where I’d first met Dru.
Lungs bursting, I dove into the slime-coated pond with a splash. The water rippled and then settled, hiding me from my would-be ax murderer not yet tall enough to ride the Tea Toddler at Feyland. Above me, her apple-cheeked reflection danced across the water, the shine of her ax glowing like a beacon.
Trust me, the irony wasn’t lost on me. There I was, a world-famous villain, hiding from a little girl in red tights. Pathetic. No wonder the union gave me the boot.
The F***ed-Up Fairytales Series:
1. Curses! A F***ed-Up Fairy Tale
FTC Advisory: The author provided me with a copy of Curses! A F***ed-Up Fairy Tale. No goody bags, sponsorships, “material connections,” or bribes were exchanged for my review. The only payment received came in the form of hugs and kisses from my little boys.”
“OMG, this book was PHENOMENAL. I have never laughed so much or so hard in my life. You have not read a fairytale until you have read it done by J.A. Kazimer. She takes fairytales to a whole new level. I am now a die hard fan of Ms. Kazimer. Any F**cked Up Fairytale she wants to tell I will so be there to read it.
RJ is the biggest, baddest villain there is, too bad he is cursed. See RJ is being punished by the Villians Union so now he is cursed to be nice until he can get re-instated to the union. With nothing better to do and an ulterior motive of his own (like getting into her pants....lol), RJ accepts a job from Asia Maledetto.
Asia is a cursed ugly step-sister, but don't let the "title" fool you because Asia is anything but ugly. Her step-sister Cinderella or Cindi as Asia calls her, dies under mysterious circumstances so Asia hires RJ to find out who murdered her beloved step-sister and why.
From the second RJ accepts the job he is put through the ringer. He has more calamities happen to him than all other villains combined. Which makes for a hilarious book. While dodging the law RJ must throw Prince Charming a bachelor party, he gets beat up by Little Miss Muffet, chased by a 10 year old serial killer named Little Red Riding Hood, and he is constantly dodging flying arrows. That is only a small fraction of all the hi jinks RJ finds himself in the middle of. Not to mention there is a surprise twist at the end.
I want to say more but I so don't want to ruin this story for anyone. This is such a MUST READ book. Author J.A. Kazimer, in my opinion, has a HUGE hit on her hands with this new series. So far this is the BEST book I have read this year. I always found myself laughing out loud uncontrollably. On a scale from 1-10 I give Curses! A F**cked Up Fairytale a HUGE 20. So off my scale but very deserving. This book is just that good. If you are looking for a new take on some classic fairytale characters, evil villains, a romantic comedy, or just a twisted good time than Curses! A F**cked Up Fairytale is for you. Her next F**cked Up Fairytale features the Frog Prince. I believe it is called Froggy-Style. I am so dying to read that one. I encourage everyone 16+ to pick up a copy and get ready to laugh your assets off at all the mishaps that befall RJ and Asia.”
“When it comes to this book I really don’t know what to say. It started off a little rocky but I am happy that I hung with it. This book is funny taking and putting a twist on all of your childhood fairy tales in a way you didn’t think possible. The plot is a little bit of here there and everywhere as you try to figure out who is up to what and the book is a tad bit on the demented side. If you are looking for a good laugh, maybe a dumb laugh but a laugh regardless, this is your book. Who knew that the villain could too have his happy ever after? I am kind of looking forward to the second book to see what other things the author could twist. ”Megan B wrote this review Tuesday, March 13, 2012. ( reply | permalink ) Was this review helpful? Yes | No
“I was attracted to it, mostly because of the title, I’ll admit, I’m the first one to preach not judging a book by its cover, but with a name like that, it begs to be investigated.
Our Hero, who is no real hero at all is cursed with being nice….yes, NICE. You wouldn’t think that would be a big deal, MOST heroes are nice, even when they do not appear to be, they are normally kind-hearted, which is nearly the same thing, except this one, RJ is not.
Next, we have the legendary Cinderella, only she’s dead, and the main character (heroine) is her ugly, actually not-so-ugly, step sister.
RJ is a villain, and in most story’s Villains are the bad guys, who eventually lose, and usually end up dead, and although he DID encounter many obstacles that should have left him dead, such as being pushed from Cinderella’s 3 story-high bedroom window, he survives; Reminding me of certain seemingly-immortal bugs.
He turns out to be an ok guy. Don’t get me wrong, he’s as evil as they come, but in a humorous-too smart-for his own good, kinda way. Not in the demented, psychotic kinda way. In fact he is the only one in the entire story that seems to have any kind of sense, other than the princess of course.
Asia, the ‘ugly-wicked’ step-sister, we found out, is not really ugly as she is cursed, but is most definitely as wicked as they come. You’ll have to read the book to find out what I mean by that.
Now as the title says, this is not your usual fairy tale. In fact, it is unlike any fairytale I’ve ever heard, except that somehow the author has included almost every one I can think of through witty, sarcastic humor. Seriously, hilarious!
Admittedly, this book reminds a bit of the Shrek stories but with a lot more cussing, which is not necessarily a bad thing, since Shrek is for kids, and this book is clearly for adults.
There was a little censorship when it came to the naughty bits, which is ok, the rest of the book more than makes up for what it lacks in seduction.
I highly recommend clearing your schedule to read this one, as it is a bit complex in the plot line, and while being entertaining it WILL confuse you if you don’t pay attention. Don’t worry though; there are no boring parts to skip, so you’ll have no problem with that.
This book is definitely a keeper, because while it isn’t what I usually read, I think that’s what makes it so refreshing to me. I particularly love the killer blue birds…yes, I said KILLER. Those demented little foul are NOT animals you want to mess with, and if you’re on their hit list, I highly recommend finding a way off it.
My favorite part, (which was harder to choose than I thought) is not an actual part, but more of person. I LOVE the villain (RJ). I love his wit, his humor, his ability to love the princess, despite her continued attempts to kill him…the way he stumbles through the story, attempting to solve what he believes to be the murder of Cinderella, his ability to take a beating and keep on going, and mostly his ability to solve problems. There is no comparing to the way his twisted mind solves things; in fact I consider him very intelligent, though that may be saying more for my IQ than his.
Anyway, I loved the book, the plot, the romance, EVERYTHING. I highly recommend it, strongly encourage anyone who loves a f***ed fairytale to check it out, and definitely anyone who likes paranormal, or fantasy, because while this is not exactly what I’d normally classify under those genres, it is definitely not your run of the mill contemporary either. I mean, there are killer blue birds, what’s normal about that? This book is witty, fun, and hilarious, a perfect combo if you ask me.