Somebody Tell Aunt Tillie She's Dead (2011) (edit title/settings)

Table of Contents

Part One -- Killing Aunt Tillie

Chapter One -- At the beginning of this whole, surreal journey, I had no idea you could be evicted from your body as easily as you could be booted out of your apartment.

Chapter Two -- Later that night, I was whipping up a bowl of frosting when I heard a scratching sound at the door and the doorknob turned.

Chapter Three -- "Dad?" I gaped at him. He looked like he was in his twenties, with a full head of blond hair, instead of the graying strands he had when he died.

Chapter Four -- I threw a prayer up to the traffic Gods that Coldwater Canyon wasn't nightmarishly backed up and jumped into Sally, the cherry-red, vintage Mustang convertible I had inherited from my dad's mid-life crisis.

Chapter Five -- Well, there was nothing I could do about it now. "I'm sorry, I thought I locked the door," I said.

Chapter Six -- When I got to Gus's apartment, he was hard at work, dashing the hopes of the next Great American Screenwriter.

Chapter Seven -- After dinner, the waitress and the bartender brought over a bowl of treacle pudding with a birthday candle stuck smack in the middle of the spongy glop.

Chapter Eight -- After a week of apartment hunting and nightmares, I was exhausted.

Chapter Nine -- I turned on the lights. What the hell was going on? I had never seen a fetch take life like that.

Chapter Ten -- Gus came rushing back in from the living room. "What the hell?" But then he saw it.

Chapter Eleven -- The Crooked Pantry advertised itself as a place for groceries only a witch could love.

Chapter Twelve -- Saturday morning, the Valley was already insanely hot and the only direction the temperature was heading was up.

Chapter Thirteen -- Time passed quickly. Too quickly. Before I knew it, there was a massive group of tired, happy and broke pagans gathered in the clearing for our closing ritual.

Chapter Fourteen -- Sunday morning, I was so into my stake-out of Lasio's apartment, I didn't even notice Gus walking into my living room.

Chapter Fifteen -- I spent the next week packing up everything I wanted to keep. Everything else could go to Goodwill.

Chapter Sixteen -- When I came to, I was laying down on the picnic table with Gus's pool-water soaked tank top draped over my forehead.

Chapter Seventeen -- "Mara, Mara, wake up!" The voice seemed to be coming from a mile away. I tried to grab onto the sound and crawl towards it.

Part Two -- Aunt Tillie's Revenge

Chapter Eighteen -- After five days of driving, I felt like I was one of the living dead, operating simply because my body was moving out of habit.

Chapter Nineteen -- I half-expected some Little House on the Prairie scene, with a pinched-face Harriet Oleson behind the counter, hoarding sugar and taking chickens in trade for flour.

Chapter Twenty -- It didn't take me long to drive through Devil's Point. It really was an adorable, old-fashioned slice of Americana, preserved in time.

Chapter Twenty-One -- As I got out of the car, still talking to Gus, a movement in the upstairs window caught my eye.

Chapter Twenty-Two -- While I've always hated underground rooms, I needed to get a grip. I couldn't start wigging out.

Chapter Twenty-Three -- "Aunt Tillie?" I asked. Well, it was a reasonable guess, given that she was the most recent deceased occupant.

Chapter Twenty-Four -- As the wind picked up, I double-checked that the window shutters were all fastened.

Chapter Twenty-Five -- The living room looked like a battle zone. Chairs had been knocked over, the couch was on its back, lamps were on the floor.

Chapter Twenty-Six -- I gasped and sat up. This time, I really was awake. No snakes, no sunrise in the West and no mom.

Chapter Twenty-Seven -- The librarian, Mrs. Anderson, was a sturdy, older woman with a kind face and sensible shoes.

Chapter Twenty-Eight -- I closed the book. Wow. That was the history of my little cottage?

Chapter Twenty-Nine -- I walked for what seemed like ages. I walked long enough for my head to stop bleeding. My feet were sore and dead-tired and I was totally lost.

Chapter Thirty -- I woke up on the living room floor, cleaning supplies dropped haphazardly around me.

Chapter Thirty-One -- The next morning, I woke up gasping for air. Something was wrong. I could feel it. The cottage was practically vibrating.

Chapter Thirty-Two -- There was a large, pasty-faced, soft-fleshed boy in the pickup that had flipped. He was hanging upside down, anchored by the seat belt.

Chapter Thirty-Three -- As I slowly opened the cellar door, a cold breeze came up out of the darkness. Goosebumps raced my arms and across my scalp.

Chapter Thirty-Four -- By the time I got home, it was late. And the thought of tackling the cellar, at night, made me queasy.

Chapter Thirty-Five -- I opened the attic door, ready for anything, and was amazed to find a really cool-looking room. All weird angles and tiny hide-away nooks.

Chapter Thirty-Six -- After I got home, I took a long, hot shower and scrubbed my wrist about six times, to make sure I got all of Gus's flying ointment off my skin.

Chapter Thirty-Seven -- I could feel my spirit rise, up, up, up, until it was free of my body.

Chapter Thirty-Eight -- When I got back upstairs, it was dark outside. I settled Grundleshanks back on his table and escaped to the kitchen.

Chapter Thirty-Nine -- When I woke up the next morning, it finally dawned on me how freaky the previous night had been.

Chapter Forty -- Half a bottle of bourbon later, we were getting pretty friendly.

Chapter Forty-One -- "Oh my God, are you levitating?" I climbed on top of him, tried to use my own body to pin his down.

Chapter Forty-Two -- Within days, Lucien was able to access enough of Paul's mind to be able to drive.

Chapter Forty-Three -- That night, while Lisette was asleep, I asked her again about Matthew Gilardi. This time, I got through her defenses and went straight into her subconscious.

Chapter Forty-Four -- The next few days passed in a blur of sex and food. Every position, every imaginable (and some not-so-imaginable) sex act.

Chapter Forty-Five -- While Lucien was out of the house, haggling over a black bull calf, (I shuddered to think why), Lisette was getting the back yard prepped.

Chapter Forty-Six -- When I came to, I was on the couch, wearing an oxygen mask and my arm was sore as hell.

Chapter Forty-Seven -- After the ritual was over, Gus held Grundleshanks's body up to the sky.

Chapter Forty-Eight -- Samhain Eve dawned cold and crisp. The leaves had dropped and the tree branches were bare and stark against the sky.

Epilogue -- After Samhain, Gus was more determined than ever to do the toad bone ritual.

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