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Find Big Fat Fanny Fast
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Find Big Fat Fanny Fast (edit title/settings)

by Joe Bruno (Author) (edit contributors)

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Since the start of the 20th Century, the Italians and Chinese in the Little Italy/Chinatown area in New York City have endured an uneasy truce. In the first three quarters of the century, the Italians ruled the neighborhood with an iron fist. But starting in the 1970's, the dynamics began to... read more

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Review by Carla Stockton- NYC Mob Tour-Find Big Fat Fanny Fast

http://nycmobtour.wordpress.com/2011/05/03/big-fat-fanny-fast-a-novel-by-joe-bruno/


A quick read, entertaining and earthy, Big Fat Fanny Fast is ripe to be cinematized. Abe Ferrara, are you listening? Martin... read more (warning: may contain spoilers)

Review by Carla Stockton- NYC Mob Tour-Find Big Fat Fanny Fast

http://nycmobtour.wordpress.com/2011/05/03/big-fat-fanny-fast-a-novel-by-joe-bruno/


A quick read, entertaining and earthy, Big Fat Fanny Fast is ripe to be cinematized. Abe Ferrara, are you listening? Martin Scorsese, why haven’t you scooped it up?

This is pure Good Fellas meets Mob Wives, a hard look at the hard on guys who run the mob and a woman who screws them all before she screws them to the wall. It can’t miss. It’s funny, has a wide appeal for the 18-35 age group that the money guys are so fond of, and it’s got a unique woman in the lead role.

Fanny is just what her name implies, a formidable foe, a literal femme fatale . Six foot six, six hundred and sixty pounds, Fanny literally envelopes her prey. She sucks them in with her disarming beauty – the beehive blonde hair, beautiful blue eyes and her bountiful bosom – and once she’s buried the poor schmucks in her voluminous flesh, she stabs them with her razor-sharp knives.

The best thing about Fanny as a character and an assassin is that she takes her victims unawares. “To say Fanny walked in would not exactly be accurate. She sort of like oozed into a room, like a giant glacier slowly navigating the icy waters of the Antarctic.” No one knows she’s a killer, her knives are easily hidden in the folds of flesh draped in voluminous layers over her looming frame. And, men are easy to fool – dogs that they are, their hunger is whetted by her watermelon breasts; before they can realize they’ve been had, they’re gone.

If the filmmakers are wise, they can use the Little Italy and Brooklyn locations quite inexpensively. I’m guessing there are actors who own property in both places that they would be happy to trade for the exposure in a mainstream movie; New York offers myriad incentives for filmmakers and can keep the costs down, especially because there are no big ticket budget items, and the bulk of the budget can go for securing the big sale cast.

Joe Pesci would be a great Tony B, the lowlife but funny thug who engages Fanny’s services – all her services – on a regular basis. He’s a widower, a numbers runner, bookie and shylock, and by page 44, he’s managed to get rich, have a son and need Fanny to eradicate a Chinese nemesis. Pesci looks the part and can sell it. For his son, we could bring back Lillo Brancato, the kid from The Bronx Tale, now known as the thief who tried to be an actor. We’ll be selling tickets as soon as the cast is announced during pre-production.

The trouble is casting Fanny. I mean the really good fat actresses are all old, and fat is not something most actresses good or bad try to cultivate. Or already dead. Lanie Kazan. Shelly Winters. Conchata Farrell. Gorgeous Camryn Manheim is too thin already, though if she were just a little younger, her you’d believe in the part. Maybe knowing the role is available will encourage Kate Hudson to add some weight?

A challenge for sure, but it’d be worth pursuing. I’m telling you – it’ll make a bundle!

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Quotes edit see section history

  • “I've been to your joint more than a dozen times and for the love of me I can spot a thing,”
  • “That can't be. Someone is robbing my eyes out.”
  • “I've clocked all the different bartenders, including Teddy Muldoon, and they're all operating on the up and up. I even had two of my guys visiting at different times on different days and they can't come up with anything either.”
  • “That's impossible! You're missing something someplace.”
  • “What could I be missing? Your joint is packed every night and all the bartenders are playing square. Your three cash registers are clanging like crazy and I can't spot a damn thing.”
  • “Say that again.”
  • “I said, all your three registers are clanging like crazy. You should be making a mint.”
  • “The Pink Pussycat has only two cash registers. Only two freakin' cash registers.”

First Sentence edit see section history

Mock Duck surveyed the task at hand and it was a huge task indeed.

Authors & Contributors edit see section history

  1. Joe Bruno (Author)
Popular Tags
  1. **, 
  2. contemporary fiction, 
  3. fiction, 
  4. humor 

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