I Am America (And So Can You!) (2007) (edit title/settings)

Ridiculously Simplified Synopsis edit see section history

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People edit see section history

• Stephen Colbert: Our protagonist! Our hero! Our leader!

Quotes edit see section history

• “Like our Founding Fathers, I hold my Truths to be self-evident, which is why I did absolutely no research.”

• “Protestantism: This is a variant form of Christianity, or "heresy".”

• “Imagine a time in the not-too-distant future -- December 24th...the streets are illuminated by police helicopters. It's like Devil's Night in Detroit...As the fires rage, bands of depressed alcoholic derelicts, once jolly carolers, shuffle aimlessly... searching for a death that will never come...Now that there's no Christmas, insects have grown to enormous size, and everyone has to dodge the ants and beetles that are crushing buses in their powerful mandibles. Does my vision of a world without Christmas sound far-fetched? This is EXACTLY what the Secul-azis want for your children and grandchildren.”

• “To put it simply, evolution is an affront to God. Anyone who believes in it will burn in eternal hellfire, probably while being prodded by flaming chimpanzees with razor-sharp bananas.”

• “If a butterfly flaps its wings in one part of the world, it could cause people at the opposite end of the globe to watch a Discovery Channel special on butterflies.”

• “Catholics have saints—more than 10,000 of them. They’re like God’s customer service reps, and each of them has a specialty. Say you lose your wallet. You could bother the Creator to help you find it, but if you’re a Catholic, you don’t have to. Just pray to St. Anthony. Finding lost things is all he does.”

• “Any religion whose messiah’s name isn’t recognized by Microsoft Word can’t be that much of a threat.”

• “Well, I’ve got a trophy for that kid, and it’s a big bronze boot to commemorate his being kicked out of the league.”

• “Ice hockey is training for our eventual war with the glaciers.”

• “Applying to college teaches youngsters résumé-building, a.k.a.: lying.”

• “I hold a little fundraiser every day. It’s called Going to Work.”

• Popular Highlights from Kindle Customers

• This book should never be marked or notated. This means no highlighting, underlining, or margin doodles.

  Highlighted by 15 Kindle customers

• Don’t worry if a rule makes sense—the important thing is that it’s a rule. Arbitrary rules teach kids discipline: If every rule made sense, they wouldn’t be learning respect for authority, they’d be learning logic.

  Highlighted by 11 Kindle customers

• Think books aren’t scary? Well, think about this: You can’t spell “Book” without “Boo!”

  Highlighted by 10 Kindle customers

• Here’s an easy way to figure out if you’re in a cult: If you’re wondering whether you’re in a cult, the answer is yes.

  Highlighted by 8 Kindle customers

• No, my problem is the children themselves. They may be cute, but they are here to replace us. Need proof? Ever catch one walking around in your shoes? That’s a chilling moment, like finding an empty body snatcher pod in the basement.

  Highlighted by 7 Kindle customers

• A father has to be a provider, a teacher, a role model, but most importantly, a distant authority figure who can never be pleased. Otherwise, how will children ever understand the concept of God?

  Highlighted by 7 Kindle customers

• India has one of the most rigid and complex class structures. Based upon their behavior in past lives, all Indians are born into different stratas of society called “castes.” These castes forever determine what level of tech support questions they are allowed to answer.

  Highlighted by 7 Kindle customers

• Plus, a whole bunch of magical beings based in different parts of nature? That’s not a religion, that’s Pokemon. Which shows how Shinto hooks you—once you’ve prayed to a few spirits, you’ve “gotta catch ’em all!”

  Highlighted by 7 Kindle customers

• ziggurat is. Hope: I believe it was the tiger-philosopher Hobbes who described human life as “solitary, poor, nasty, brutish, and short.”

  Highlighted by 7 Kindle customers

• NEWS FLASH: Athletes perform for our enjoyment. So “performance-enhancing drugs” are really “enjoyment-enhancing drugs.”

  Highlighted by 5 Kindle customers

Setting & Locations edit see section history

• United States
• Hollywood

First Sentence edit see section history

Table of Contents edit see section history

Authors & Contributors edit see section history

1. Stephen Colbert (Author)
2. Michael C. Brumm

First Edition edit see section history

Awards edit see section history

• Audie Award (Finalist, 2008: Audiobook of the Year)
• Audie Award (Finalist, 2008: Achievement in Abridgement)

Classification edit see section history

• Library of Congress: PN6165 .I25 2007
• Dewey: 818.607

Notes for Parents edit see section history

This book is primarily for a mature audience due to its sexual content and language, but its satire certainly isn't beyond the grasp of younger readers.

Subjects edit see section history

• Books › Entertainment › Humor › Satire, General
• Books › Entertainment › Humor › Satire
• Books › Entertainment › Humor › Political
• Books › Entertainment › Humor › Essays
• Books › Nonfiction › Politics

More Books Like This edit see section history

Books Influenced by This Book edit see section history