Bite Me (2010) (edit title/settings)

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Summary edit see section history

Characters edit see section history

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• Abby Normal: aka Abigail Von Normal, the protagonist, who lives in San Francisco and fights monsters, dayslave name is Allison Green
• Chet: A large, hairless vampire cat who turns dozens of other cats into vampires and has become something more than a cat
• Jody: Tommy's girlfriend, a red-haired vampire turned by Elijah (second-generation)
• Tommy Flood: Jody's boyfriend, a vampire turned by Jody (third-generation)
• Foo Dog: Abby's "sex monkey," aka boyfriend, day slave name is Steven Wong and he is very good at science, planning to go to Berkley which is how he comes up with serums and solutions
• Rivera: An investigator paired with Cavuto, "flavor was Low-fat Spanish Cynic in an Armani cone"
• Nick Cavuto: An investigator paired with Rivera, "if he'd been a flavor of ice cream, would have been Gay Linebacker Crunch"
• Jared Whitewolf: Abby's best friend forever, gay and wimpy. Abby calls him a rat shagger.
• Marvin: A cadaver dog who loves Abby and biscuits; Police Dog.
• Makeda: An African woman, turned vampire by Elijah (second-generation)
• Bella: Belladonna, a woman turned vampire by Elijah (second-generation)
• Rolf: An man, turned vampire by Elijah (second-generation)
• Elijah Ben Sapir: Possibly the original vampire, last seen departing San Francisco
• The Emperor: A homeless guy who everyone knows
• Bummer: The Emperor's Boston terrier
• Lash: One of the Animals, "the lean black guy who had become their leader Tommy was turned into a vampire, largely because he almost had an MBA, but also because he was a black guy and inherently cooler than everyone else"
• Drew: One of the Animals, "the Ichabod-Crane-gaunt master of the frozen food aisle and chief medical officer"
• Lazarus: The Emperor's golden retriever
• Gustavo: One of the Animals, porter
• Jeff: One of the Animals, "the tall blond ex-power forward with the blown-out knee (baking supplies and international foods)"
• Clint: One of the Animals, the oldest at twenty-three, "curly-haired, born-again, ex-heroin addict who worked cereal, coffee, and juices"
• Barry: One of the Animals, "the balding fireplug of a scuba diver who also stocked soap and dog food"
• Okata: A Japanese print master who wears orange socks and hat
• Yuriko: Okata's dead wife
• Madame Natasha: He reads Flood's fortune, helping him and Abby find Jody, he is a cross dresser!
• Troy Lee: One of the Animals, "their resident martial arts expert who worked the glass aisle"
• Builder Bob: He works at Wallgreens and wears a cool apron. He is gay.
• Pelekekona: aka Kona. Pirate of the briny science, lion of Zion, and dreadie to deadies of the first order.

Quotes edit see section history

• “I rented a très cool loft in the SOMA (which is widely accepted to be the best hood for vampires because there’s mostly new buildings and no one would suspect ancient creatures of purest evil to hang out there).”

  Abigail Von Normal

• “It just goes to show you, like Lord Byron says in the poem: “Given enough weed and explosives, even a creature of most sophisticated and ancient dark power can be undone by a few stoners.”I’m paraphrasing. It may have been Shelley.”

  Abigail Von Normal

• “Turns out that the only way the vampyre can tolerate real food or drink is if it has a little human blood in it. (The Countess likes blood on her fries, which is at once très cool and deeply fucked-up.)”

  Abigail Von Normal

• “Besides, it's prolly the Apocalypse. No time to roll all politically correct up in the bitch when the world is ending.”

  Lash, one of the Animals

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• “Given enough weed and explosives, even a creature of most sophisticated and ancient dark power can be undone by a few stoners.”

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• You’re always supposed to have a towel. I read about it in a guide for hitchhiking through the galaxy.”

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• “Oh my God, you’re like Obnoxious and Annoying had an ass baby!”

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• (Anyone who translates dog knows that only about a third of what Bummer said actually meant anything. The rest was just noise he needed to make. Human speech is about the same.)

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• So it’s like, Oh noez! And an inky-colored despair of rejection enveloped me like the black tortilla of depression around a pain burrito.

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• I am a romance slut, and there’s nothing I can do about it. If a guy does or says something romantic, I’m all, “Oh, please excuse me, kind, sir, let me dial down my IQ and oh, if it would please sir, may I offer you this moist, yet helpless va-jay-jay that seems to have lost its way.”

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• “That’s it,” said Cavuto. “You’re too much of a nerd to be gay. I’m contacting the committee. They’ll revoke your rainbow flag and you will not be permitted anywhere near the parade.”

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• (You ever notice that hardly anything besides the “Star-Spangled Banner” is spangled? There’s no, like, the Raisin-Spangled Scone, or the Flea-Spangled Beagle. I’m just saying.)

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• Journalists are oblivious to the obvious and they won’t even let you say fuck.

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• Foo could hear the death-metal sound track coming from Jared’s headphones, tinny screeching and tiny chainsaw rhythms, like angry chipmunks humping a kazoo inside a sealed mayonnaise jar.

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Setting & Locations edit see section history

• San Francisco
• Sind
• Sonnenaufgang
• Berkeley
• Safeway: In San Francisco
• Tenderloin: A disreputable part of San Francisco
• Chinatown
• Fairmont

Organizations edit see section history

• The Animals: The night shift crew at Safeway, includes: Troy Lee, Barry, Clint, Jeff, Gustavo, Drew, Lash

First Sentence edit see section history

Table of Contents edit see section history

Glossary edit see section history

• Blood lunch: Humans that vampires feed on.

Series & Lists edit see section history

Preceded by You Suck.

Authors & Contributors edit see section history

1. Christopher Moore (Author)

First Edition edit see section history

Classification edit see section history

• Library of Congress: PS3563.O594 B58 2010
• Dewey: 813.54

Notes for Parents edit see section history

Some sexual content and adult themes

Subjects edit see section history

• Books › Literature & Fiction › Genre Fiction › Horror › Vampires
• Books › Literature & Fiction › Contemporary

More Books Like This edit see section history