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Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus
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Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus (1992) (edit title/settings)

The Classic Guide to Understanding the Opposite Sex

by John Gray (Author) (edit contributors)

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Once upon a time Martians and Venusians met, fell in love, and had happy relationships together because they respected and accepted their differences. Then they came to Earth and amnesia set in: they forgot they were from different planets. Based on years of successful counseling of couples... read more

Summary edit see section history

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus (published in May 1992) is a book by John Gray offering many suggestions for improving men-women relationships in couples by understanding the communication style and emotional needs of the opposite gender. It spawned a series of follow-on books... read more

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus (published in May 1992) is a book by John Gray offering many suggestions for improving men-women relationships in couples by understanding the communication style and emotional needs of the opposite gender. It spawned a series of follow-on books expanding on specific situations.

The book, as suggested by the title, asserts the notion that men and women are as different as beings from other planets. Gray adopts this metaphor as the central theme of all his books and seminars, likening men and women to the classical Roman god Mars and goddess Venus as ideal types.

In contrast to some psychologists (and feminists) who emphasize similarities between the sexes, Gray writes almost exclusively about differences. Gray says that his "Martians" and "Venusians" are only stereotypes and cannot be applied blindly to individuals.

An example of the theories it offers is that women complain about problems because they want their problems to be acknowledged, while men complain about problems because they are asking for solutions. Other concepts in the book are the difference between women and men's point systems and how they react under stress.

*Notable books in the series:
Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus
Mars and Venus on a Date
What You Feel You Can Heal
Men, Women and Relationships
Mars and Venus in Love
Mars and Venus Together Forever: A Practical Guide to Creating Lasting Intimacy
Mars and Venus in the Bedroom
Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus Book of Days
Mars and Venus Starting Over
How To Get What You Want and Want What You Have
Children Are From Heaven
Practical Miracles for Mars and Venus: Nine Principles for Lasting Love, Increasing Success, and Vibrant Health in the Twenty-first Century
Mars and Venus in the Workplace
Truly Mars & Venus
The Mars & Venus Diet & Exercise Solution
Why Mars and Venus Collide: Improving Relationships by Understanding How Men and Women Cope Differently with Stress

*Concepts:
Concepts Gray espouses in his books include:

*The point system:
Gray suggests that men and women count (or score) the giving and receiving of love differently. Men tend to give larger blocks of points (20, 30, 40 points etc.) for what they think are Big Acts, while women give each act of love one point at a time.

According to Gray, women tend to keep a Points System that few men are aware of.

Men and women each monitor the amount of give and take in a relationship and if the balance becomes off and one person feels they have given more than they have been given to, resentment flu develops. This is a time when communication is very important to help bring the relationship back into balance.

Example: A man might count a $200 present as 20 points and helping her to carry a heavy bag as 1 point (or he may not even assign any point to the latter), but a woman may count these acts as only 1 point each.

For her, the total sum of points comes from different aspects. For example: - the different parts of the environment where the present is given each get 1 point (candles, music, privacy, location etc.) - the card gets 1 point, - flowers get 1 point, - if he tells her "I love you" in the morning it is 1 point, - if he sincerely takes a moment to notice her and tells her "You look beautiful" in the evening it is 1 point, - if he hugs her, it is 1 point, - the gift itself gets 1 point.

Men and women are often surprised to find the scoring method is different. Most men are not even aware that all women "keep score".

The emotional stroke delivered by the sincere attention is as important as the value of the item. This can lead to conflict when a man thinks his work has earned 20 points and deserves appropriate recognition while the female has only given him 1 point and recognizes him accordingly.

Men tend to think they can do one Big Thing for her (scoring 50 points) and not do anything else. They assume the woman will be satisfied with it.

To the woman, she would rather have many many Little Acts on a regular basis. The reason is that women like to think their man is thinking of them and cares for them on a regular basis.

*The cave and the wave:
Another major point of Gray's books are the differences in the way they react under stress. He believes that many men withdraw until they find a solution to the problem. He refers to this as "retreating into their cave." In some cases they may literally retreat, for example, to the garage or spend time with friends. The point of retreating is to take time to determine a solution. What is known is that men in their caves are not necessarily focused on the problem at hand, many times this is a "time-out" of sorts to allow them to distance themselves from the problems so their brains can focus on something else. Gray posits that this allows them to revisit the problem later with a fresh perspective.

Gray holds that this retreat into the cave has historically been hard for women to understand because when they are stressed their natural reaction is to talk about issues (even if talking does not solve the problem). This leads to a natural dynamic of the man retreating as the woman tries to grow closer. According to Gray this becomes a major source of conflict between any man and woman.

The "wave" is a term Gray uses to describe a natural cycle for women that is centered around their abilities to give to other people. He claims that when they feel full of love and energy to give to others their wave is in a stable place. As they give to others (and don't receive the same amount of love and attention given to them in return) their wave begins to grow until it eventually crashes. This is a time when a woman needs the love, listening, understanding and reassurance of those around her (including self love). Gray holds that once she is rejuvenated (by getting the support she needs) she is able to rise like a wave and once again has love and energy to give. Men must support this natural cycle by not being threatened by it or telling her why she should not feel this way.

Men can simply listen to her, constantly reassure her of his love/commitment/monogamy or take a few chores off her back (just a few simple chores will do). Most men get threatened because they think, "Why can't she be happy?" or think she is blaming him, but that is not the case.

*References in popular culture:
In Neal Stephenson's 1999 novel, Cryptonomicon, an American protagonist remarks to his Filipino attorney, "You know what this is? It's one of those men-are-from-Mars, women-are-from-Venus things."
To which the attorney replies "I have not heard of this phrase but I understand immediately what you are saying."
"It's one of those American books where once you've heard the title you don't even need to read it."
"Then I won't."
In the episode "El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Homer" of The Simpsons, Homer remarks, "We're so different! It's like you're from Venus..." Marge replies, "And you're from Mars." To which Homer responds, "Oh yeah, give me the one with all the monsters!"
Tom and Ray Magliozzi of the radio show Car Talk spoofed the title of this book on their comedy album Men are from GM, Women are from Ford.
The title was also spoofed in a Pearls Before Swine comic strip, with Rat having launched a book called Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Meteors That Landed On Mars.
The band Men From Earth deliberately spoofed the title of this famous book when choosing their name. In similar way, the one man a cappella rock band Paska named its debut album Women Are From Venus, Men From Anus.
The band Four Year Strong played off the title in their song "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Hell".
In the first season of the television show, Smallville, the episode entitled "Crush" finds Lex Luthor walking in on Clark Kent reading the book in order to sort out his feelings for Lana Lang and Chloe Sulivan. Lex Luthor tells Clark the book is not going to help him.
Geri Halliwell's song 'Bag it up', which calls for a reversal of traditional male/female roles, contains the lyrics Men are from Venus/and girls are from Mars.
John Gray appeared on Season 2, Episode 3 of Penn & Teller's Bullshit! which covered true love.
The book was the basis for a 1999 CD-ROM which featured author John Gray and a 2000 television talk show hosted by Cybill Shepherd which lasted one season.
Gray adapted Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus as musical romantic comedy; it premiered at Broadway's Gerschwin Theater from January 27-Feb 2, 1997, and was later performed at the Flamingo Hotel and Casino, Las Vegas, in 2001.
The American neo-conservative Robert Kagan used the term "Americans are from Mars and Europeans are from Venus" to describe their use of power in world affairs. (Americans tend to use hard power, military might and threats, while the Europeans uses "soft power," which is economic, diplomatic and political power). This term, one could say, comes from the book's title.
In Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason, Bridget deploys multiple copies of the book in a Thai women's prison.
In the South Park movie South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut, Satan is seen reading a book titled Saddam Is From Mars, Satan Is From Venus.
There was a Camp Lazlo episode entitled "Beans are from Mars", where the Squirrel Scouts suspect that the Jelly Beans are from another planet.
In a 3rd Rock From The Sun episode, Dick, having no clue about Earth culture, fills out a crossword that reads: Men are from Mars, Women are from "a five letter word starting with V". Dick incorrectly but humorously fills in "Vegas".
In Futurama, "It is true what they say: Women are from Omicron Persei 7, men are from Omicron Persei 9." In one episode Amy is also seen reading a book titled "Martians are from Mars, Venusians are from Venus."
The book was also featured in the film Clueless as one of Cher's book choices for the week.
In the Family Guy Episode "To Live and Die in Dixie", Peter takes the title literally suggesting that Chris buy thick layers of sulfuric clouds for his girlfriend.
In the movie What Women Want starring Mel Gibson: Bette Midler the psychologist says "If men are from Mars and women are from Venus and you speak Venutian, the world can be yours."
The title is spoofed in the 1996 Peanuts book, Dogs Are from Jupiter, Cats Are from the Moon.
The book is mentioned in the film adaptation of Louise Rennison's novel, "Angus, Thongs and Full-Frontal Snogging,"(Georgia gets the book from her mum), and also in her series.
British Indie Rock band Curve featured a song called "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" on their 1993 album "Cuckoo".
A 1997 collection of columns by American humorist Dave Barry (all of which originally appeared in the Miami Herald newspaper) is published under the title "Dave Barry is from Mars and Venus".
In a skit on Saturday Night Live, Norm MacDonald portrayed Dr. John Gray as extremely effeminate and basically guessing what normal men are like.
The anime series Vandread takes the title's concept to the literal extreme by having a situation where men and women are totally segregated and living on two different planets (Men on the planet Taraak, Women on the planet Mejere) which at war with each other (hence also alluding to the Battle of the Sexes concept).
In the 2008 Movie Angus, Thongs and Perfect Snogging, Georgia's mum gives her a copy of the book after Jas confesses about Robbie.
In 2003 Anberlin wrote a song called "Foreign Language" based on this book.
Matthew Bellamy has said that the song "Cave" was inspired by the book.
In 2009 Jay-Z released a song of the album Blueprint 3 entitled "Venus vs. Mars"
George Carlin is supposed to have said "Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it." This is also the title of a humorous book by Gray Jolliffe.

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Quotes edit see section history

  • “We mistakenly assume that if our partners love us they will react and behave in certain ways--the ways we react and behave when we love someone.”
    Author
  • “When men and women are able to respect and accept their differences then love has a chance to blossom.”
    Author
  • “A man's sense of self is defined through his ability to achieve results.”
    Author
  • “To offer a man unsolicited advice is to presume that he doesn't know what to do or that he can't do it on his own.”
    Author
  • “A woman's sense of self is defined through her feeling and the quality of her relationships.”
    Author
  • “When a woman offers unsolicited advice or tries to "help" a man, she has no idea of how critical and unloving she may sound to him.”
    Author
  • “Many times a woman just wants to share her feeling about her day, and her husband, thinking he is helping, interrupts her by offering a steady flow of solutions to her problems.”
    Author
  • “A man wants to make improvemnts when he feels he is being approached as the solution to a problem rather than as the problem itself.”
    Author
  • “A woman under stress is not immediately concerned with finding solutions to her problems but rather seeks relief by expressing herself and being understood.”
    Author
  • “Just as a man is fulfilled through working out the intricate details of solving a problem, a woman is fulfilled through talking about the details of her problems.”
  • “Not to be needed is a slow death for a man.”
    Author
  • “A woman's tendency to be compulsive relaxes as she remembers that she is worthy of love--she doesn't have to earn it; she can relax, give less, and receive more. She deserves it.”
    Author
  • “A man's deepest fear is that he is not good enough or that he is incompetent.”
    Author
  • “It is difficult for a man to listen to a woman when she is unhappy or disappointed because he feels like a failure.”
    Author
  • “The number one complaint women have in relationships is: "I don't feel heard." Even this complaint is misunderstood by men!”
    Author
  • “When a man is silent it is easy fr a woman to imagine the worst.”
    Author
  • “When negative feelings are suppressed positive feelings become suppressed as well, and love dies.”
    Author
  • “Men argue for the right to be free while women argue for the right to be upset. Men want space while women want understanding.”
    Author
  • “Just as men want to explain why women shouldn't be upset, women want to explain why men shouldn't behave the way they do. Just as men mistakenly want to "fix" women, women mistakenly try to "improve" men.”
    Author
  • Popular Highlights from Kindle Customers
  • Men are motivated and empowered when they feel needed. . . . Women are motivated and empowered when they feel cherished.
    Highlighted by 290 Kindle customers
  • “Needing” is openly reaching out and asking for support from a man in a trusting manner, one that assumes that he will do his best. This empowers him. “Neediness,” however, is desperately needing support because you don’t trust you will get it. It pushes men away and makes them feel rejected and unappreciated.
    Highlighted by 211 Kindle customers
  • Ironically, men are primarily motivated by being needed, but are turned off by neediness.
    Highlighted by 210 Kindle customers
  • Men are motivated when they feel needed while women are motivated when they feel cherished.
    Highlighted by 207 Kindle customers
  • Men primarily need trust, acceptance, appreciation, admiration, approval, and encouragement. Women primarily need caring, understanding, respect, devotion, validation, and reassurance.
    Highlighted by 202 Kindle customers
  • Men argue for the right to be free while women argue for the right to be upset. Men want space while women want understanding.
    Highlighted by 182 Kindle customers
  • To offer a man unsolicited advice is to presume that he doesn’t know what to do or that he can’t do it on his own.
    Highlighted by 163 Kindle customers
  • A man wants to make improvements when he feels he is being approached as the solution to a problem rather than as the problem itself.
    Highlighted by 163 Kindle customers
  • A man tries to change a woman’s feelings when she is upset by becoming Mr. Fix-It and offering solutions to her problems that invalidate her feelings. A woman tries to change a man’s behavior when he makes mistakes by becoming the home-improvement committee and offering unsolicited advice or criticism.
    Highlighted by 156 Kindle customers
  • Not to be needed is a slow death for a man.   When a man doesn’t feel he is making a positive difference in someone else’s life, it is hard for him to continue caring about his life and relationships. It is difficult to be motivated when he is not needed. To become motivated again he needs to feel appreciated, trusted, and accepted. Not to be needed is a slow death for a man.
    Highlighted by 37 Kindle customers
Show all 29 quotes from this book

First Sentence edit see section history

Imagine that men are from Mars and women are from Venus.

Table of Contents edit see section history

Introduction
1. Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus
2. Mr. Fix-It and the Home-Improvement Committee
3. Men Go to Their Caves and Women Talk
4. How to Motivate the Opposite Sex
5. Speaking Different Languages
6. Men Are Like Rubber Bands
7. Women Are Like Waves
8. Discovering Our Different Emotional Needs
9. How to Avoid Arguments
10. Scoring Points With the Opposite Sex
11. How to Communicate Difficult Feelings
12. How to Ask for Support and Get It
13. Keeping the Magic of Love Alive

Series & Lists edit see section history

This book is in Relationships guide. (community list)

Authors & Contributors edit see section history

  1. John Gray (Author)

First Edition edit see section history

Original Language: English
Publisher: Ted Smart
Country: England
Publication Date: 1992
ISBN: 0583344992
Page Count: 286

Classification edit see section history

  • Library of Congress: HQ0734 .G727 1992
  • Dewey: 646.78

More Books Like This edit see section history

   
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