In Fifty Years We'll All Be Chicks: . . . And Other Complaints from an Angry Middle-Aged White Guy (2010) (edit title/settings)

Ridiculously Simplified Synopsis edit see section history

show spoilers

Characters/People edit see section history

• Molly: Adam Carolla's dog
• Jimmy Kimmel: Adam Carolla's friend and TV host, former co-host of The Man Show
• Dr. Drew: Dr. Drew Pinsky, Adam's friend and former co-host of Loveline
• Terry Claybon: Add a description of this character.
• Adam Sandler
• Grandpa: His Grandpa
• Carona
• Howard Stern: Radio show host
• Tom Cruise
• Rachel Zoe
• Van Nuys
• Bruce Springsteen
• Marty Krofft
• Bush
• Manny Ramirez
• Hugh Hefner
• Bill Gates
• Marissa Jaret Winokur
• Sid
• Manson
• Kim
• Eric Clapton
• Lynette
• Mr. Birchum
• Alan Arkin
• Bald Bryan
• Steve Miller
• Tyler Perry
• Oprah
• Bob Marley
• Jaynee
• Adam Carolla
• David Schwimmer
• Charlie Daniels
• Michelle Obama
• Joe Jackson

Quotes edit see section history

• “At some point somebody decided the ropes needed to be removed. Sparing the kids the rod is a good thing, sparing them the rope is a horrible idea. We should have put Lardo on that rope, given him a three-Mississippi head start, and then sent a subway rat scurrying after him. But we didn’t want to shame the boy, so we took them all down, gave everyone a participation trophy and a pamphlet on secondhand smoke, and sent them to a cultural-diversity seminar. Taking down the rope would be a capital idea if there were no ropes in life. But they’re everywhere. You just can’t see them. They’re in the workplace, they’re in relationships, they’re in every goal unrealized and expectation not met. The point everyone missed about the rope is you weren’t supposed to make it to the top. It was there to create a fire that burned in the oversize belly of every kid who couldn’t shimmy up it. A fire that has now been forever extinguished with stuffed-crust pizza and Mountain Dew.”

• “I had to pay a guy a thousand bucks to go through my house and make sure I couldn’t open any of my drawers or use any of my outlets. It’s insane. Three years in and I still attempt to fling open my bathroom drawer only to have it get grabbed by a nylon hook. I essentially gave somebody a thousand dollars to fuck with me. It’d be like if you paid a guy to fart in your car every morning before you went to work.”

• “They’re all required to have seat belts. It’s the school bus. “Hey, I’ve got a great idea. Let’s put our kids in an unwieldy metal cigar tube piloted by a sixty-three-year-old with cataracts who has recently managed to string together nine months of sobriety.” If I drove my kid to school and the kid wasn’t wearing a Nomex fire suit and a six-way harness, I’d be arrested. Does anyone else see the insanity in this? I bet even prison buses have seat belts.”

• “He says school teaches kids how to think. I disagree. I think whether your kid is smart or dumb boils down to one thing and one thing only: Are they curious? If they ask questions, want to know how and why things work, they could do pre-K through 12 in Tijuana and turn out fine. And when did this pre-K bullshit start anyway? I don’t remember it from when I was a kid. Fucking pre-K is like someone finding a meal between breakfast and brunch. It’s just another excuse to pay someone to raise your kid. And I have twins, so this goddamn pre-K is going to cost me 10K. And for what? So some chick can watch my kids run in a circle until nap time?”

• “Nobody bragged about their kids’ accomplishments in the classroom or on the playing field. And you never saw the license-plate frame that makes me want to hurl into my Audi’s ashtray—PROUD GRANDPA OF AIDAN AND DAKOTA. We knew something back then that we seem to have forgotten today, which is that no one gives a shit about your grandkids or whether your fat son made the honor roll at his magnet school.”

• ““Fine, park the car, then give me the twenty.” And then I did what I’m asking all of you to do and what makes me a hero. I said, “Fuck you,” and I pulled out and totaled a van filled with retarded kids. No, I just went across the street and parked. I never thought I’d be cast in the role of Asshole Robin Hood.”

• “After you arrive at your destination, the torture continues. The first thing most people do when they get off the plane is head to the bathroom. Big mistake. From an olfactory perspective, you’d be better off heading to a Porta-John at the nearest construction site. The damage done in the airport bathroom is worse than any terrorist action that could happen on the plane. What happens in those bathrooms is the work of an international all-star team of shitters. It’s a combination of bad airplane food meets nervous flyers meets “I’ve been holding this in for six hours” meets “Who cares? No one in my country of origin will ever know about this.” It’s how you treat a rental car: It’s not mine, therefore I don’t give a fuck. People file off the plane, see that bathroom, and think, “Not my home turf. Let the games begin.””

• “Why is it that the same people who beat the celebrate-differences drum when it comes to cultures refuse to acknowledge the biggest cultural difference on the planet? Men and women. I guarantee you Japanese men, German men, and black men have a fuck lot more in common than your average dude and chick”

• “Have we turned into such a nation of pussies? Why do we have to act upset? I feel as if I’m being waterboarded by your tears. Why can’t we say, “That sounds like a good idea to me”? They’re not just fucking around; they’re trying to get information that will save lives. Why do we act as if we’re just trying to get a recipe for gazpacho out of these guys? We’re trying to prevent terrorist acts.”

• “Mexicans aren’t bad people and they’re not good people. They’re just a culture. And at some point when there’s enough of them, our culture will be usurped by their culture. And somehow me not wanting that to happen makes me a grand wizard in the Klan. The problem is their skin color is darker than ours, and we’ve formed a culture where being called a racist is worse than being called a pedophile. People are afraid to speak up. So let’s remove the skin color for a minute and replace “Mexican” with “Polish.” The second-largest city in this nation, Los Angeles, has a Polish mayor. We have arguments over whether our teachers should instruct in both English and Polish. If you call information, the first five words you’ll hear are in English, and the next seven are in Polish telling you to say “Polish” if you want assistance in Polish. When you go to the ATM, you have to pick English over Polish. Chances are if you call a wrong number, the guy on the other end will have a thick Polish -->”

• “accent. The top three radio stations will all be Polish speaking—and I could go on for another ten pages. Now all I’m saying is we don’t need another Polish restaurant. I’m not saying the Poles are bad people. I’m saying I don’t want my kids to be raised in Poland. I believe in their heart of hearts the super-lefty, open-borders people agree with me. The problem is the only time they take their boyfriend’s cock out of their mouth is to call me a bigot.”

• “I could eat pizza three meals a day, seven days a week, and would never grow tired of the seven or eight traditional pizza toppings and the two thousand possible variations you can create from those. What is it with our endless obsession with changing things that shouldn’t be messed with? There’s nothing less broken on this planet than pizza. Megan Fox should get a nose job and a tummy tuck before we start considering altering pizza. If you don’t like a good sausage-and-onion or Canadian-bacon-and-olive pizza, then you don’t fucking like pizza and you should get the fuck away from my pizza.”

• “I hate the people who love the vegetable lover’s pizza. Nobody who loves pizza wants the horn of plenty dumped onto their pie. This always gets ordered for the handful of vegetarian assholes who have to destroy everyone else’s dining experience. Someone should just order a dinner salad for those douchebags and let them eat it in the car. Or better yet, just order them a goddamn mushroom pizza. It’s not that vegetarians love vegetables, it’s that they love cows. Oh, and hate people.”

• “I’d argue that the guilty white liberals in this country are actually more racist. Take the example of drugs coming in from Mexico. The left is basically apologizing to Mexico and explaining that it’s our consumption of these drugs that’s creating the market and funding their corrupt government, police, and army. It’s not the drug dealers’ fault; it’s our fault for consuming the drugs. Then why are these same people coming down on the tobacco industry? They just manufacture the product; we create the market. If nobody smoked, they’d be out of business. And what about gun manufacturers? The lefties don’t like them very much either, yet all they do is make a product. So why does Mexico get a pass while Philip Morris and Smith & Wesson don’t? Race is the answer. Two of them are rich and white, one of them is poor and brown. And it’s always Whitey’s fault. While constantly complaining about racism, they engage in the ultimate racism. They treat Mexico -->”

• “as if they are inferior and incapable of governing themselves. If these drugs were coming out of Canada, they wouldn’t be blaming the U.S. They would insist that Canada fix the problem and fucking fast. It’s belittling and far more racist. Just like when the news reported about what was going on in the Superdome after Katrina. Every rich Manhattan honky I knew was shouting, “There are three-year-olds being gang-raped! Why isn’t Bush doing anything?” If the Superdome had been filled with white people, your question wouldn’t be “Why isn’t Bush doing anything?”—it’d be “What the fuck is wrong with those people?””

• “So let’s drop the act and just face the fact that as a race, you earn your stereotype. We’re supposed to celebrate our differences, but as soon as somebody points out that some of those differences are negative, that person gets called a racist.”

• “Who decided that adhesives needed to permanently bond stickers to whatever they’re attached to? If there was a nuclear holocaust, two things would survive: cockroaches and these goddamn stickers. Whether it’s my floor jacks, my hammer, or my picture frames, I end up going at it with lighter fluid and a razor blade. Usually I end up with a bunch of sticky bits of paper still connected to my stuff. If I really give it some time and elbow grease, I can get them off, but I still have a sticker ghost that collects dirt and dog hair. I love the sticker attached to the glass of a picture frame. As if you can get that off without leaving a glue mark that will eventually collect dirt and make it look like your kid has a Hitler mustache.”

• “If you can afford a massage, you don’t need a massage. You know who needs a massage? The guy working on your roof while you’re out getting a massage.”

• “The first thing that happens when you get pregnant is every dickhead tells you how it’s going to change your life. It’s not that big a deal. What is it with the worrywarts who want to talk you into being scared of shit? What do they get out of it? They’ll be like, “What about college? Better start saving now.” Let’s get the kid out of the uterus before we start trying to get him into Harvard.”

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• The true test of brains to me is, Are you able to achieve your goals? In other words, can you get what you want?

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• Either way, the ability to have a goal and achieve it is the most important kind of smart there is.

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• I can solve America’s obesity problem right now. From here on out, every Friday is Wear Your Swimsuit to Work Day.

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• For most guys, pizza’s in about the same category as blow jobs. Some are better than others, but even a mediocre one is good.

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• I think whether your kid is smart or dumb boils down to one thing and one thing only: Are they curious? If they ask questions, want to know how and why things work, they could do pre-K through 12 in Tijuana and turn out fine.

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• SPIDERS I love the idiots who say you should be happy to have spiders in your house because they take care of the bad bugs. That’s like saying, “I like to keep a Crip around the house. It keeps the Bloods out.”

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• Let’s put our kids in an unwieldy metal cigar tube piloted by a sixty-three-year-old with cataracts who has recently managed to string together nine months of sobriety.” If I drove my kid to school and the kid wasn’t wearing a Nomex fire suit and a six-way harness, I’d be arrested. Does anyone else see the insanity in this? I bet even prison buses have seat belts.

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• Just like my grandfather used to say, “If you can beat off to it afterward, it’s not a crime.”

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• So who shall we blame? I blame us because we caved to the hypochondriac, Redbook-reading, Oprah-watching, crystal-rubbing, Whole Foods–shopping survivor-of-incest moms and their pussy-whipped attorney husbands.

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• This reminds me of a great joke I heard when I did The New Gong Show. “What has five balls and rapes Mexicans? The lottery.”

  Highlighted by 77 Kindle customers

Setting & Locations edit see section history

• L.a.
• New York
• Los Angeles
• North Hollywood
• America
• Mexico
• California
• China
• Chicago

First Sentence edit see section history

Table of Contents edit see section history

Authors & Contributors edit see section history

1. Adam Carolla (Author)

First Edition edit see section history

Classification edit see section history

• Library of Congress: Add the Library of Congress Classification.
• Dewey: 817

Subjects edit see section history

• Books › Literature & Fiction › World Literature › United States › Humor
• Books › Entertainment › Humor › Satire, General
• Books › Entertainment › Humor › Satire

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