Plenty of overwrought prose and melodramatic angst mark this fang-sharp parody of number-one New York Times bestseller New Moon "I want to bite you, Heffa. I want to bite you very hard. I'll be gentle, I promise. If you really loved me, you'd let me." Heffa Lump is just... read more
“I was leaving her now because she had a man in her life to look after her. Hunk the (Minor League) Football Player would hold her hand crossing the road from now on. I was going to live with my father, Chump - the only parent left who would be able to give me the undivided attention my fragile soul required.”Heffa Lump
“Mom, how many times do I have to tell you? I'm just too noble and self-sacrificing to stay, so deal with it. God.'”Heffa Lump
“And always, always, there was the figure of Teddy Kelledy - my love, my soulmate, my stiff angel-”Heffa Lump
“You're bad for me, Heffa; I feel strange stirrings in my pants - I mean heart - whenever I'm around you, and I don't know what they mean!”Teddy Kelledy
“Pretty much everyone else in school is just an extra, so don't worry too much about learning their names. I'm not even sure they have them.”Wanda Mensional
“‘Look, Chip, you seem like a fairly harmless sort of idiot, but I’m just not interested in boys right now. I’m only seventeen, for goodness’ sake. What sort of a crazed pervert hangs out with boys at that age?’He looked downcast, and I turned to leave, satisfied that I’d let him down gently.”Heffa Lump
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