Crucial Conversations (2002) (edit title/settings)

Ridiculously Simplified Synopsis edit see section history

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Characters/People edit see section history

• Elena: Add a description of this character.
• Sarah
• Ricky
• Melissa
• Carl
• John
• Bruno
• Kerry
• Myra
• Tom
• Leo
• Wally
• Kyle
• Gary
• Yvonne
• Greta
• Kevin
• Maria
• Carole
• Wendy
• Chris
• Royce
• Jotham
• Bob

Quotes edit see section history

• “a person’s behavior during the first few seconds of the interaction sets the tone for everything that follows. You have no more than a sentence or two to establish the climate.”

• “Instead of arguing that others are misbehaving only because of personal characteristics, influence masters look to the environment and ask, “What other sources of influence are acting on this person? What’s causing this person to do that? Since this person is rational but appears to be acting either irrationally or irresponsibly, what am I missing?””

• “Peer pressure is the mother of all stupidity.”

• “Tell the rest of the story. Ask why a reasonable, rational, and decent person would do what you’ve just seen as well as if you yourself are playing a role in the problem.”

• “Nothing undermines your authority more than blaming someone else for requesting what you would be asking for if you had any guts.”

• “At the foundation of every successful confrontation lies safety. When others feel frightened or nervous or otherwise unsafe, you can’t talk about anything. But if you can create safety, you can talk with almost anyone about almost anything—even about failed promises. .... People feel unsafe when they believe one of two things: 1. You don’t respect them as a human being (you lack Mutual Respect). 2. You don’t care about their goals (you lack Mutual Purpose).”

• “First, imagine what others might erroneously conclude. Second, immediately explain that this is what you don’t mean. Third, as a contrasting point, explain what you do mean. The important part is the don’t portion.”

• “Motivation, it turns out, is actually rather boring. It has little to do with clout, chutzpah, or even charisma. In fact, motivation is about expectations, information, and communication. .... Here’s what motivation comes down to: Change others’ view of the consequence bundle and their behavior will follow.”

• “there are other factors that are far better motivators, that propel action without the leader pulling strings or making threats. What are these compelling factors? They are the natural consequences associated with any behavior. ... Consequences make up the reasons behind all behavior, so savvy influencers motivate others with a consequence search: They explain natural consequences until they hit upon one or more that the other person cares about.”

• “but the best leaders don’t simply inspire people to continue to do the gut wrenching, mind boggling, and noxious. They help people find ways to ease the gut wrenching, simplify the mind boggling, and nullify the noxious.”

• “Of all the bad ideas circulating the grapevine, pretending that leaders must know everything is among the most ridiculous and harmful. Leaders earn their keep, not by knowing everything, but by knowing how to bring together the right combination of people (most of whom know a great deal more about certain topics than the leader will ever know) and propel them toward common objectives.”

• “At the heart of every workable accountability system there is one simple sentence: “If something comes up, let me know as soon as you can.””

• “In fact, in a huge number of companies (and families are no different) the following is true: Results = no results + a good story”

• “We is too vague. In business the term we is often synonymous with nobody. There is no we in accountability”

• “Cutting people loose is certainly more common in today’s world of empowerment. Leaders don’t want to micromanage. They’ve felt it, they hate it, and they don’t want to deliver it. Micromanaging is bad, and so leaders scarcely follow up at all. Good goal, bad strategy. ... Unfortunately, this hands-off style is rarely interpreted positively. People don’t say, “I understand. The boss is so busy that he can hardly find time to follow up.” More often than not employees conclude, “The boss doesn’t care about me or my project.””

• “As one interviews people in organizations all over the world, it’s interesting how frequently the word nice comes up. Question: How would you describe your organization’s culture? Response: Nice. In this case, the word has switched meanings from “pleasant” to “diseaselike.” Nice adj. A pleasant, nonconfrontational attitude that eventually kills you”

• “Throughout this book we’ve tried to make the point that people who confront crucial problems are both candid and courteous. They are honest but not “brutally honest.””

• “If you want greater influence with a powerful and defensive person, what you typically need is not more power but more empathy.”

• “three separate studies conducted by the authors revealed that the single best predictor of satisfaction with supervision is frequency of interaction.”

• “According to the authors’ research, the number-one employee complaint year in and year out always comes down to the same issue: not being recognized for a job well done.”

• “Now for the bad news. If you can’t step up to and master crucial confrontations, nothing will get better. ... Back to the good news. The skills for mastering crucial confrontations can be learned.”

• “The first time a problem comes up, talk about the Content, what just happened: The next time the problem occurs, talk Pattern, what has been happening over time: As the problem continues, talk about Relationship, what’s happening to us.”

• “Handle them poorly and suffer the consequences”

• “Walk away from crucial conversations and suffer the consequences”

• “People who are skilled at dialogue do their best to make it safe for everyone to add their meaning to the shared pool—even ideas that at first glance appear controversial, wrong, or at odds with their own beliefs.”

• “The best don’t play games. They know that dialogue is the free flow of meaning—with no pretending, sugarcoating, or faking. So they do something completely different. They step out of the content of the conversation, make it safe, and then step back in.”

• “Crucial conversations often go awry not because of the content of the conversation, but because others believe that the painful and pointed content means that you have a malicious intent.”

• “We Start with Heart by committing to stay in the conversation until we come up with a solution that serves a purpose we both share.”

• “it turns out, there is an intermediate step between what others do and how we feel. What is this intermediate step? Just after we observe what others do and just before we feel some emotion about it, we tell ourselves a story. That is, we add meaning to the action we observed. To the simple behavior we add motive.”

• “The dialogue-smart recognize that they’re telling clever stories, stop, and then do what it takes to tell a useful story. A useful story, by definition, creates emotions that lead to healthy action—such as dialogue. And what transforms a clever story into a useful one? The rest of the story. That’s because clever stories have one characteristic in common: They’re incomplete.”

• “When it comes to sharing touchy information, the worst alternate between bluntly dumping their ideas into the pool and saying nothing at all. Fearful they could easily destroy a healthy relationship, those who are good at dialogue say some of what’s on their minds but understate their views out of fear of hurting others. They talk, but they sugarcoat their message. The best at dialogue speak their minds completely and do it in a way that makes it safe for others to hear what they have to say and respond to it as well. They are both totally frank and completely respectful.”

• “One of the ironies of dialogue is that when we’re sharing controversial ideas with potentially resistant people, the more forceful we are, the less persuasive we are.”

• “Share your facts. Start with the least controversial, most persuasive elements from your Path to Action. Tell your story. Explain what you’re beginning to conclude. Ask for others’ paths. Encourage others to share both their facts and their stories. Talk tentatively. State your story as a story—don’t disguise it as a fact. Encourage testing. Make it safe for others to express differing or even opposing views.”

• Popular Highlights from Kindle Customers

• The key to real change lies not in implementing a new process, but in getting people to hold one another accountable to the process.

  Highlighted by 79 Kindle customers

• The problem is not the content of your message, but the condition of the conversation.

  Highlighted by 65 Kindle customers

• Actually, it helps to watch for three different conditions: the moment a conversation turns crucial, signs that people don’t feel safe (silence or violence), and your own Style Under Stress.

  Highlighted by 56 Kindle customers

• What do I really want for myself? What do I really want for others? What do I really want for the relationship?

  Highlighted by 48 Kindle customers

• How would I behave if I really wanted these results?

  Highlighted by 46 Kindle customers

• The mistake most of us make in our crucial conversations is we believe that we have to choose between telling the truth and keeping a friend.

  Highlighted by 43 Kindle customers

• Second, clarify what you really don’t want.

  Highlighted by 42 Kindle customers

• First, clarify what you really want.

  Highlighted by 42 Kindle customers

• Third, present your brain with a more complex problem.

  Highlighted by 38 Kindle customers

• Asking questions about what we really want serves two important purposes. First, it reminds us of our goal. Second, it juices up our brain in a way that helps us keep focused.

  Highlighted by 33 Kindle customers

First Sentence edit see section history

Table of Contents edit see section history

Series & Lists edit see section history

Preceded by Improv Wisdom: Don't Prepare, Just Show Up, and followed by Influencer.

Preceded by Influence, and followed by The 48 Laws of Power.

Authors & Contributors edit see section history

1. Kerry Patterson (Author)
2. Joseph Grenny (Author)
3. Ron McMillan (Author)
4. Al Switzler (Author)

First Edition edit see section history

Classification edit see section history

• Library of Congress: Add the Library of Congress Classification.
• Dewey: 303.69

Subjects edit see section history

• Books › Reference › Etiquette › Conversation
• Books › Business & Investing › Skills › Communications
• Books › Business & Investing › Organizational Behavior › Workplace
• Books › Health, Mind & Body › Relationships › Interpersonal Relations
• Books › Health, Mind & Body › Authors, A-Z › Covey, Stephen R.
• Books › Business & Investing › Management & Leadership › Negotiating
• Books › Reference › Words & Language
• Books › Health, Mind & Body › Self-Help