MercurialMe

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling rock walls at my local gym and crushing clay with my bare hands. I have been known to clean friends houses out of sheer boredom, much to their delight. I translate ethnic slurs for German, French, Italian and Russian immigrants, I write award winning short stories, I manage time efficiently.... more »

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling rock walls at my local gym and crushing clay with my bare hands. I have been known to clean friends houses out of sheer boredom, much to their delight. I translate ethnic slurs for German, French, Italian and Russian immigrants, I write award winning short stories, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I dance for three days in a row.
I woo men with my sensuous and goddess like piano playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies, in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love and an outlaw in Beijing (Do you know what kind of Billy Idol type shit you have to pull to get in trouble in Beijing?).

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious lemers. I play blues guitar, I was scouted by the Red Wings, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When Im bored, I build large phallic like monuments to B list celebrities in my back yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after work, I set VCR clocks for the elderly free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I dont perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured Canada with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I run no less than 4 miles a day. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me (FOOLS! MUHAHAHAHA).

I can hurl plates at lying cheating boyfriends with deadly accuracy. I once read The Bell Jar, Witness to My Life and Letters to a Young Poet in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in Kroger. I have performed several covert operations with the CIA (No questions or Ill have to kill you!). I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep upside down in pasties and a g-string. While on vacation in New York, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery *trys so hard not to make a "buns" joke*. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago, I discovered the meaning of life, but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a blender and a toaster oven (Martha Stewart eat your heart out).

I breed prizewinning sea monkeys. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Ophelia, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis (he says HI!). But I have not yet begun to live... « less